Implosion
by Bigelow
Summary: Hawkeye feels responsible for the violent death of a patient in OR. The war is coming to a close. Will he self distruct before it's over? Sorry about it being one long default chapter...I couldn't figure out how to divide it.


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Disclaimer: The MASH characters are property of FOX. The only characters I can claim are Seth Willis, Mary Jo and Myrna Jean Owens. Corporal Owens is a MASH character from the fourth season in the episode entitled "Smilin' Jack. Lorraine Anderson was in the sixth season in the episode entitled, "Temporary Duty"Alternate Epsiode to "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen." Most decidedly HM and more. I wrote this mostly for my own entertainment. _

IMPLOSION

By "Bigelow"

Chapter 1 - Life After Her Death

He read through her journal one more time, incredulous that he had meant something to her and he had been so oblivious. To him she had been another fling to help him forget the death and devastation around him. It had been a shock to everyone in the 4077 that the quiet nurse had been killed when she, unknowingly, walked through a mine field. It was a particular shock to Hawkeye to learn that her last thoughts were of him.

In a way he was grateful to Millie Carpenter for showing him his shortcomings when it came to relationships. One day they would all go home. One day this blood bath would end and they'd be scattered, this family they called MASH 4077. Hawkeye was comforted by the fact that he'd stood up at Millie's memorial service and told his closest friends how much he cared about them. He didn't want to one day leave them without having said how he felt.

With a deep sigh, Hawkeye Pierce gently laid the little notebook on top of the small stack of belongings that Father Mulcahy was sending home to the family of the deceased nurse. What a waste, he thought. So much waste.

"Here's the journal, Father. Thank you for letting me read it. I would never have known…"

"You delivered a wonderful eulogy, Hawkeye. I've always thought you'd make a wonderful priest, so compassionate and caring."

Hawkeye just smiled at the gentle man who stood at his side. His quiet faith and inner strength were a wonder to the passionate doctor. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy. In the midst of the chaos and devastation of war, this priest lived out his beliefs in a way that Hawkeye had only read about.

"A few pieces of clothing, a hairbrush, some cosmetics and a journal. That's all that's left of a once living human being. I'll never get used to it, Father."

"You'll never get used to what, Hawkeye?"

"Death."

"But you're a doctor, my son. You deal with death every day. Death is part of living."

"Yes, Father, but not like this. Land mines, guns…I just can't believe that we were put here to be blown to bits. It's senseless, brutal…" Hawkeye stopped abruptly.

Colonel Potter's voice could be heard over the PA:

"It's been a long day, boys and girls. Everyone is to report the officer's club for a belt and some relaxation. That's an order!"

Hawkeye chuckled. Leave it to Colonel Potter to know exactly what to say even over the camp PA. He reminded him of his dad in that way. Dad could always relieve the tension with just the right word or joke. He hoped that one day he would introduce Sherman Potter to Dr. Daniel Pierce, his father and his hero.

"Sounds like a good idea. You coming, Father?"

"I'll be along in a minute. I just want to finish getting this package to the Carpenter family."

Hawkeye walked out of the priest's tent, stretched his arms over his head and yawned. The crisp breeze felt good across his face. He closed his eyes and imagined that he was standing on the beach in Crabapple Cove. He opened his eyes to the sun setting over the hills. It was a beautiful site. The sky was ablaze with orange and gold. For a moment he almost forgot that he was in war torn Korea, thousands of miles from Maine.

"Hey there, soldier, buy you a drink?"

Hawkeye fell in step with BJ Hunnicutt. One of the good things to come out of this war was the friendship he shared with BJ.

"Soldier? Did I hear you call me 'soldier?' You can call me Benjamin, you can call me Hawkeye you can even call me a taxi…what you see before you is merely a civilian in a soldier suit!"

"Well, Captain Civilian, here we are at the officer's club and the gang's all here!"

BJ and Hawkeye walked through the crowded officer's club to the table in the corner where Colonel Potter already was sitting with Margaret Houlihan, Charles Emerson Winchester III and Max Klinger.

"Igor, " Hawkeye called to the man behind the bar. "My friend and I will have two beers…that's one each."

The two doctors joined the others around the table. Hawkeye looked around at the faces around him that had become more like family than mere friends.

Charles, for all his arrogance and pomposity had proven himself to be a skilled surgeon and, at times, a friend.

Maxwell Q. Klinger had finally 'joined' the army and been promoted to sergeant which proved that truth is indeed stranger than fiction. He was a man whose heart was as large as his nose or was it the other way around? Hawkeye was never quite sure.

Margaret Houlihan, the head nurse of the 4077 was someone Hawkeye had come to appreciate more and more as time went on. She had changed more than anyone over the time they'd been in Korea.

He could hardly believe she was the same straight laced, by the book major he'd met nearly three years ago. She had allowed herself to let her guard down. He valued her friendship as much as he admired her beauty and his respect for her continued to grow. He could honestly say that she was one of the most courageous people he'd ever known.

"You did a good job today, son," the voice of Colonel Potter awoke Hawkeye from his musings. "The padre couldn't have delivered a better eulogy. I know it's hard to let your hair down like that in front of people and you came through with flying colors."

"Thanks Colonel. I do my best."

"It kills me to agree with the Colonel here, Pierce, but I shall in this case." Said Charles, sipping on a beer, halfway to inebriated.

"Careful, Charles," BJ replied. "You wouldn't want to say something you might regret in the morning."

Charles glanced sidelong at BJ and continued, "As much as I hate to admit it, while I shall not miss this fetid village, I shall miss all of you. However, I'm certain that once I'm back in my home in Boston, surrounded by family and Boston society the memories will dim….Aw what am I saying…Pierce, I was deeply touched by your speesh…you've caused me to weep."

Having said all of that, Charles threw his arms around a very startled Hawkeye. Colonel Potter leaned over and whispered to BJ, "That's one hell of a hangover in the making."

Klinger stood and raised his beer in Hawkeye's direction. "May I propose a snoast…I mean may I propnose a toast…oh what the hell….Captain Pierce, may your tent always be filled with beautiful women and your camels never limp…or something like that…"

The men all exploded into laughter and Hawkeye replied, "Thanks Klinger…and to you…may the sun always rise and set on your nose!"

BJ blurted out, "It already does!"

Hawkeye looked around the officer's club at people that he'd come to care about and appreciate. They were a diverse group from all parts of the United States thrown together in this makeshift hospital in Korea. There were so many who had come through here and gone home.

He thought about Trapper with a twinge. He wondered what he was doing at that moment. It still bothered him that his once best friend had left without so much as a note. And he wondered why Trapper had gotten to go home while he was still stuck in this hell hole.

Ah well, he thought, it's one of those mysteries that will probably never be solved. In any case Trapper's departure had made way for Beej's arrival. Beej. BJ Hunnicutt, clean cut family man. He was so different from his former bunkmate and, ironically, a closer friend than Hawkeye had ever known. He hoped that they would be able to keep in touch after the war was over...that is, if the war was ever over. He wondered if that would be possible with the distance between Mill Valley and Crabapple Cove.

Chapter 2 – May I Have this Dance?

Margaret was unusually quiet in the midst of the drinking and raucous laughter around the table. She had a look in her ice blue eye that said her thoughts were miles away.

The colonel was the first to notice Margaret's faraway look. He'd come to look at these doctors and nurses as his children. He had a special spot in his heart for the young woman who had been literally raised in the army. He admired her strength in the face of adversity. He had watched her stand stoically beside the doctors when they would have to amputate limbs or worse without flinching. She never missed a beat, she was there with just the instrument the doctor needed.

Of course the colonel had seen Margaret's temper flare and had seen her exhibit irrational behavior at times. But under their current circumstances, irrational behavior was normal.

He hoped that one day she would find what she was looking for. She seemed to have her life all mapped out. Her career seemed to be everything to her and she worked hard to achieve her goals. He trusted that the right man would come along one day and help soften that 'major exterior'. She deserved some happiness. It would take a special stallion to snag that little filly, he thought, chuckling to himself.

The members of the 4077 were enjoying the evening of partying and dancing. Potter was pleased that there had been a break in the influx of wounded to provide some much needed play time for his people. The tension had been thick in camp lately, particularly since the death of Millie Carpenter. She hadn't been with them long so no one really knew her very well. She hadn't spent much time with anyone, except, of course, for Hawkeye, the camp Romeo. Her death in the mine field had shaken everyone to the core, particularly Pierce.

Captain Pierce was one that Sherman secretly worried about. He was an incorrigible soldier but one of the finest surgeons he'd ever known. His greatest strength, however, could one day prove to be his greatest weakness…the depth of his compassion. He cared deeply about the welfare of his patients and was angry about the war that was tearing these young bodies apart. Radar had once pointed out to the colonel that Hawkeye's sense of humor was his way of fighting against the effects of war. It was his shield against the destruction that surrounded them. The colonel feared that one day the man would implode.

Colonel Potter was roused from his thoughts to the tune of "Sentimental Journey" playing on the jukebox. It had been one of his favorite songs since he'd had the pleasure of hearing it sung live by Doris Day years ago. He turned to Major Houlihan and said, "Margaret, may I have the pleasure of this dance? I'm sure Mildred wouldn't mind."

Margaret was startled from her own deep thoughts. She had been so lost in thought that she was almost unaware of the party going on around her.

"Of course, Colonel, I can't think of anyone I'd rather dance with."

"Margaret," Potter spoke as they began to dance. "Something tells me that you have something else on your mind tonight. Care to talk about it?"

"No, really, I'm fine….I'm having a wonderful time, Colonel," she protested.

The colonel noticed a stray tear escape one of her eyes but something told him not to push it. "Okay, Major. But remember my tent flap is always open if you need to talk to someone."

"Thank you, I appreciate that."

Hawkeye had also noticed Margaret's distracted expression that evening. He knew something was eating at her but prying it out of her would be a challenge. By her own admission, she wasn't a very open person. He watched Margaret and the colonel as they danced.

"Beej, has Margaret said anything to you tonight about what's bothering her?" Hawkeye asked.

BJ, who was busy regaling a very drunk Charles with stories of his daughter Erin replied, "No, Hawk, can't say that she has. Why don't you ask her yourself?"

"Why didn't I think of that?" Hawkeye asked. "What would I do without you, Beej?"

"Without me, you would have only Charles as a bunkmate. Think of the endless nights of fun and excitement listening to stories of the lives of the rich and stuffy." BJ laughed.

"It might be more entertaining than listening to stories about potty training and crayon drawings." Charles drawled. He then stood and said, "Gentlemen, I think it's time to retire to that canvas toilet you call the Swamp. That is if the room will stop spinning. Good night…."

Charles made his way through the dancing couples, staggering toward the door.

BJ turned to Hawkeye and said, "Now there goes the picture of high society. It looks like it's you and me and the sleeping shiek of Toledo." He was referring to Klinger who had passed out about an hour before. "He had quite a snoot full."

"And that's quite a snoot to fill," laughed Hawkeye. "If you'll excuse me, Beej, I think I'll go cut in on the colonel and the major."

"Hawk?..." BJ looked at him with that look that questioned his motives. Even though his friend had bared his soul during the eulogy and claimed that he wanted to be more honest and caring, BJ also knew that Pierce was adept at putting up walls. It was second nature for him to use humor as his first line of defense against rejection and pain. BJ saw that Margaret had something gnawing at her and he didn't want to see his friend make inappropriate advances in the guise of fun either.

"I'll be a perfect gentleman. I just want to talk to a friend who seems to be in need of listening ear."

Hawkeye appreciated BJ's concern for Margaret. As the major had begun to open up to the two doctors, BJ had come to be quite protective. But Hunnicutt tended to be that way. It was the frustrated father and husband in him, Hawkeye thought. He poured out his loneliness into other people, whether a destitute Korean family or a lonely nurse going through a divorce. In a way he was like Radar, who adopted stray animals, only with BJ it was stray people.

"If you'll excuse me, Captain Hunnicutt…."

Hawkeye walked over and tapped the colonel on the shoulder. "May I cut in?"

"Ah Pierce, " Colonel Potter said, "Of course, that is, if the lovely lady doesn't mind."

Margaret smiled at the colonel. He had a way of making her feel special and cared for. She wished her own father was more like him.

She kissed the colonel on the cheek. "Thanks, Colonel."

"I don't know what I did to deserve a kiss but I hope I do it again." said the colonel with a wide grin. "She's all yours, Pierce. Behave yourself."

Hawkeye followed the colonel with his eyes as he went to take his seat next to BJ and the slumbering company clerk. Turning back to Margaret:

"Now what would make him say that?" He asked innocently. Then He took Margaret's hand in his, raised it to his lips and kissed it lightly. "Ma'amselle, may I have this dance?"

She laughed in spite of herself and slapped him gently on the shoulder. "Oh I suppose, one dance won't hurt. But I'll warn you, Buster, step on my feet and you'll have my knuckles in your face."

"My dear, you cut me to the quick. Everyone knows that I'm the picture of grace and style."

Something about the serious look on Hawkeye's face, coupled with the twinkle in his eyes touched Margaret. She laughed again which pleased her dance partner.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are when you laugh?" He asked.

Chapter 3 - Someone to Care

Nat King Cole's voice crooned from the juke box. Hawkeye took Margaret in his arms and they danced without talking for a few moments.

"Your eulogy for Millie really was wonderful, Captain. I know it was difficult for you to be that open. Thank you…"

"You're welcome. Margaret, is something bothering you? You've been staring into space all night."

"No, I'm fine, really." She hoped that the line would work as well on Hawkeye as it had on Colonel Potter.

"Margaret, would you care to try that again? I think something is eating at you. It's not healthy to hold it in. I know I haven't always been the best friend but I do care. Is it that you feel responsible for Millie's death because you're the Head Nurse?"

She had been dancing with her eyes closed with her head resting on his shoulder. She jerked her head around to face him with a look of surprise.

"How did you know that?"

"I've seen the way you care about your nurses. They don't always realize that you do because of your tough Major Houlihan persona. I also know you don't push them any harder than you push yourself…too hard.

I remember how you reacted when Bigelow was hurt when the water tower was blown over in the wind storm. You were like a mother hen. Millie was one of yours and she wasn't just injured, she was _killed._ That has to bother you."

Hawkeye looked into her eyes with a look of concern. She looked away from him, fearing that if she allowed herself to be vulnerable she'd give way to tears in front of the whole company.

Another ballad played on the jukebox so the two continued to dance unaware that BJ was choosing the music. He saw that his two friends were having what appeared to be a serious conversation, perhaps finally acknowledging hidden feelings. He knew that his bunkmate had fought his own feelings for the head nurse for some time. He hoped that they would see that if they just let their guard down that they might become more that just good friends. Maybe, he thought, he was trying to play cupid where it wouldn't be appreciated but he was willing to take that chance. BJ liked happy endings. He thought that since he didn't have the pleasure of having his own dear Peg near him that he could enjoy a romance by proxy. Maybe it was a long shot but since there was nothing else to do he'd take his chances.

Father Mulcahy entered the officers club, looking around for the group. His eyes didn't miss the fact that Captain Pierce and Major Houlihan were sharing a dance. He saw Potter and BJ and went over to join them.

It was getting late and many of the crew had turned in for the evening, no doubt, many in pairs. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to do in the camp when there were no wounded to attend to. Father Mulcahy did his best to teach the Bible and be there to counsel. He often wondered if he made any difference. Not many attended his services and few sought his counsel. He consoled himself with knowing that he'd made a difference in the lives of many Korean war orphans. He knew that the faces of those sweet children would remain in his heart and mind forever.

"Have I missed anything, Colonel?" he asked.

"Well, Padre, not much has been going on, just the usual sin and debauchery. Oh, sorry…" the colonel answered, not wanting to offend the priest.

"That's okay, Colonel. The Bible is full of sin and debauchery."

"Yes, I suppose so. Major Winchester turned in earlier and Klinger, you can see, decided to simply pass out here." Potter laughed as he spoke.

Colonel Potter smiled at Father Mulcahy. Their chaplain was a walking contradiction. He could preach a sermon on love and deck someone with a left hook, almost in the span of a single breath. The sensitive man seemed to be some of the glue that held their 'family together.' He didn't know what they would do without him and didn't want to find out.

"What took so long, Father," asked BJ as he fed another quarter into the jukebox, choosing a Bing Crosby ballad. "I thought you'd have joined us hours ago."

"I thought it would be a nice gesture to write a letter of comfort to the Carpenters. I know there's not much I could say that would ease the loss of their daughter but I felt that I should try."

BJ winced a bit at the priest's comment. His daughter was thousands of miles away in California. One day she would grow up and leave…he just couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child…and so far from home. He shook himself mentally. Erin was a toddler and he hadn't seen her since she was few months old. He'd not allow himself to think her life away. He turned his attention, instead to his friends on the 'dance floor.'

Hawkeye and Margaret had danced through almost two songs without uttering a word. He sensed that she was crying silently by the moisture on his shoulder. He held her tightly as one would do while consoling a small child. She felt strangely safe in his arms, of all places. Finally Hawkeye broke the silence.

"Is the death of one of your nurses all that's bothering you?"

She looked up and then lowered her eyes. "No, it's not."

"Margaret, what is it? I've told you before, two ears, no waiting."

Margaret smiled slightly. She knew that he did care. She'd known that since they'd agreed to be friends last year after the incident in the abandoned hut. He admitted that he cared more than he cared to admit but that he didn't think anything would come of it because they were so different. She'd come to realize, however, that they really weren't so very different. Sure he wasn't concerned with neatness and she was, but when it came to the game of denial they were both star players. She held people at bay with her cool 'Major façade' and he kept them at bay with his wall of humor. You could almost say that they were two sides of the same coin.

Perhaps, she thought, things might have worked out differently between them had she not acted like such a ninny the morning after they'd spent the night in each other's arms in that hut.

She'd been so hurt by Donald's letter to Darlene that he'd mistakenly put in the envelope addressed to her. She already knew that he'd been cheating on her. She was so lonely and wanted someone to truly care for her. She'd found solace in the arms of one that she'd seen before as an antagonist at best. She was so excited by this that she knew she'd pushed too hard. She'd been silly to think for even a moment that Hawkeye was a controllable fool like Frank Burns. She could understand in retrospect why the surgeon had backed off from her.

Unbeknownst to Margaret, Hawkeye's thoughts also were traveling back to that night in the hut that had precipitated the beginning of their friendship. He was sorry he'd pulled back from her. He'd been shaken by her advances and assumption that he would be the next man in her life. He refused to be the next Frank Burns or Donald Penobscott.

Since Millie's death, Hawkeye had to take a second look at his "Love 'em and leave 'em attitude. He had to admit now that his arrogance and womanizing didn't put him on a level very far above Frank. The difference between them was that Frank never admitted to the affair and was a poor doctor at best. Hawkeye's trysts were common knowledge and he made no attempt to hide them. Now he felt ashamed of his attitude. He wouldn't blame Margaret for not wanting to open up her deepest concerns to him.

"Hawkeye, where will you go once this war is over?" asked Margaret.

He was a bit taken aback by the question that shook him out of his thoughts.

"Margaret, you know the answer to that. I'll go back to Crabapple Cove, Maine to live with my dad for a while. Then maybe I'll move to Boston or New York and see if they need a top notch surgeon."

His egotistical remark caused her to smile slightly before continuing, "And BJ will go back to Mill Valley to Peg and Erin. Colonel Potter will go home to Mildred in Hannibal. Klinger will finally go home to his beloved Toledo. Radar has already gone home to Ottumwa, Iowa and his mother….and…and…" her voice cracked and she hid her face in his shoulder.

"…and Margaret Houlihan has nowhere to hang her hat and call home, is that it?"

Hawkeye asked. She nodded her head without raising it from his shoulder.

He held her closer as they continued to dance. Slowly she raised her face and looked into his eyes. The intensity of caring she saw caused her to tremble. She wasn't sure she was comfortable with his openness. She took a deep breath.

"Hawkeye, I-I don't know what I'll do after the war. I thought I had it all figured out. The army is my family…or so I thought. I've been stationed different places during my military career. I guess it's really no secret that I've shared…moments… with a few officers. Before that I was an army brat…we never lived anywhere for more than 2 years. My parents are separated…." She couldn't seem to fight back the tears now. Damn! She hated being so vulnerable.

BJ threw another quarter in the jukebox and smiled. Colonel Potter had caught on to what he was doing and had contributed a few quarters himself.

* * *

"They do make a nice couple, don't they, Padre?" 

"Oh dear me," Father Mulcahy mused. "They do seem to be 'closing ranks.'"

* * *

"Margaret, it's okay," Hawkeye encouraged her. "You don't have to go on if it's too much…" 

"No, I need to…after what you said today…I want to say it. This place…the 4077…as awful as it is, the boredom, the blood. This is the closest thing to a home and family I've ever had. Hawkeye, I know this will sound strange to you of all people but I'm afraid for the war to be over. I don't know where I'll go from here. You, BJ, Colonel Potter, Charles and even that Lebanese Loony over there…you're my family."

Hawkeye didn't know what to say so he just held her close. There were things he wanted to say but didn't know if he dare. He kissed the top of her head and they continued to dance.

The crowd had thinned considerably as the clock had passed the midnight hour.

"Well, this old war horse needs to turn in. Word is there'll be load of casualties either today or tomorrow. I suggest that everyone else does the same. Good night boys and girls. Come along Max, bedtime for company clerks." Colonel Potter shook Klinger's shoulder.

"Mrphnufflebem, colonel plotcher shir…."

"Well said Max, " Potter said, taking Klinger's arm and leading him to the door. "Tell everyone nighty night."

BJ rose to leave, too. He smiled at the dancing couple.

"Colonel, do you think we should tell Pierce and Houlihan that the music has stopped?"

Chapter 4 – Incoming

The sun was shining brightly bathing the swamp with light that was completely unappreciated by its inhabitants.

Charles was the first to open his eyes and groan, "Ooooh my head."

"It must be quite a headache you have, Chuckles. It's made all your hair fall out." BJ spoke without opening an eye. "Could you please keep that bellering of yours to a tolerable sound level."

"As in shut up, Charles," Hawkeye spoke up. "You went to bed before any of us. Have a little respect for the dead."

"What happened to all the love you were oozing yesterday, Pierce? Has that changed so soon?" quipped Charles.

"I still love you, Winchester…now leave me alone." said Hawkeye, pulling his pillow over his head.

"Would you two like to be alone?" asked BJ.

Charles glared at BJ and then at Hawkeye. He pulled himself from his cot and headed for the door. "Gentlemen," he drawled. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to head for the mess tent for some coffee and aspirin. You may carry on your childish prattle without me….oooooh why did I drink so much of that cheap booze last night? Somebody just shoot me…"

Hawkeye and BJ looked at each other as Charles made his way to the mess tent, whining all the way.

"I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't have the king of hangovers myself," said BJ.

"Actually I don't feel too bad this morning." said Hawkeye, stretching his arms and legs.

"Well, you didn't have as much to drink as the rest of us. You and the major were too busy dancing the night away."

Hawkeye smiled, thinking of the night before. He had to admit that he enjoyed dancing with Margaret. She felt natural in his arms. He still didn't see a real future in their relationship other than a great friendship. But then who knows? Who would have ever thought the two of them would ever be anything but mere colleagues?

"Hawkeye, you're smiling. You want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"Do you want to talk about why you're smiling?"

"Beej! Can't a guy smile without being interrogated?"

"Okay. Okay. Far be it from me to interfere. If you don't want to tell your best friend why you're smiling I'll understand. Excuse me, I think I could use some of that motor oil they pass off as coffee, myself." BJ acted as if he was offended even though he really wasn't.

"Beej, I just don't know what to tell you right now. Margaret Houlihan is an incredible woman and a wonderful nurse. I don't know if we'll ever be more than friends but I gotta tell you, we shared a great evening _just _talking. I certainly never thought I'd hear myself saying that about nurse of the opposite sex."

* * *

Margaret Houlihan woke up and looked around her tent. He'd gone. She was still fully clothed and laying under her blanket. She smiled as she thought about her evening with Hawkeye. Once they had realized that the music had stopped and they were the only ones left in the officers club they'd walked slowly to her tent. She'd invited him in and they continued to talk the night away. They shared their hopes and dreams, thoughts and frustrations. At some point she must have fallen asleep and he put the cover over her and left.

She'd never known Captain Pierce to be such a gentleman. She stretched and smiled. She opened her door and let the sun warm her face.

"Good morning Klinger! Beautiful morning isn't it?" Margaret called out to the obviously hung over man. He looked at her through big bloodshot brown eyes.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm sure it will be a beautiful morning once I've soaked my head in a pot of hot coffee."

Attention all personnel: Sorry to interrupt your hangovers, folks! Choppers are on their way!

The doctors and nurses of the 4077 sprang into action. After nearly 3 years of the bloody barrage of wounded, everyone knew what to do and did it with skill and speed. The nurses, thanks to the strong leadership of Major Houlihan, were the finest kind, according to Captain BF Pierce. They were one of the reasons for the 98 survival rate of their patients. They had become adept at triage which freed the doctors to quickly get to the most critical cases.

This morning there wasn't much time to be lost in thought. As the Peace Talks showed some promise it seemed that both sides were launching heavy offensives. This meant heavy casualties to go with it.

"Seems that someone always has to get the last word in, doesn't it," Hawkeye remarked to BJ as they scrubbed.

"Kind of reminds me of you, " BJ replied with a smile.

"Me? Are you saying that I always have the last word?"

"Aw, Hawk, we've been through this before."

"So you say."

"I rest my case."

"Fine." Said Hawkeye, satisfied that he'd gotten the last word in after all. BJ rolled his eyes in concession. There wasn't time to enter a battle of wits with his friend. There would be time for that later over a glass of 'antifreeze' back in the Swamp.

"Ah the rapier wits of my roommates are a constant source of amazement. What else would I do for entertainment?" remarked Charles, dryly.

"Okay, children, let's get to work," Colonel Potter said.

Hawkeye's first case was a head wound. It would take a lot of concentration to pull this boy through. And even then, he wasn't sure that he would have a normal life. Just another day in the Korean theater, he thought, where every day was an adventure in wading through other peoples' blood. The surgeon sighed wearily.

"Scalpel."

"Scalpel." Margaret replied.

"Ah, Major Houlihan. You look bright this morning. Your smile is lighting up the OR even from under your mask. Is there a particular reason for this cheeriness?"

"Yes, there is. I spent the night talking to a good friend." And then she leaned over and whispered, "Thanks, 'Good Friend.'"

"Anytime, Margaret, anytime."

At that point their conversation ended. The surgery was delicate and Hawkeye put himself into it. Margaret anticipated which instruments he would need with each move. Three years of meatball surgery had made her an excellent surgical nurse, the best he'd ever worked with Hawkeye thought.

Margaret's surreptitiously admiring glances at the surgeon beside her were not lost on anyone within a 5 foot radius. Hell of place for romance, thought Colonel Potter.

A cry arose two tables down from BJ, "Isn't it enough that we send our young boys home without arms and legs or eyes!" He stood, tears forming in his eyes, looking down at the young girl on his table. She couldn't have been more than six, only a few years older than Erin. The child had been searching for junk to sell and stepped on a landmine. It was a sad and all too common occurrence here. He mentally reminded himself to hold Erin tightly when he got home and never let go.

"Hunnicutt, I can take her," said Charles with uncharacteristic compassion.

"No thanks, Charles. I'll take her. I just don't think I'll ever get used to seeing children as casualties of war. Kellye, scalpel."

"No one should get used to it, Beej," said Hawkeye, looking up into the other surgeon's teary eyes.

"Amen," said Father Mulcahy in agreement.

* * *

After twelve hours of relentless surgery the seemingly endless supply of wounded stopped. A collective sigh of relief could be heard in the room. Father Mulcahy uttered a prayer of thanks.

The surgeons finally had a chance to rest for a few minutes. Hawkeye leaned his head back against the wall of the scrub room.

"Just dedicate my body to science," Hawkeye groaned. "I think I've done all I can with it. Margaret I'll sell it to you for fifty cents."

Margaret grinned at him and rolled her eyes.

"First, a shower, then a belt and then BJ's going to sleep for12 hours," Hunnicutt moaned.

Hawkeye got up to move to the showers when he heard an all too familiar sound. No! It couldn't be…of course it could….

"Choppers," Potter said wearily.

Chapter 5 – Death Comes in Threes

BJ and Margaret got to the helicopter pad first. Both of the patients had chest wounds.

This one doesn't look as bad. Looks like shrapnel," yelled Margaret as she checked the wounds of a young man with curly red hair. She thought he looked familiar. There were so many young men who came through that it was difficult to remember most of them. Still, there were faces that would stay in her mind forever.

"Start them both on 2 units of whole blood. Let's get 'em prepped stat!" BJ called over the roar of the chopper blades. He looked around and saw that these were the only two incoming. He felt lucky. Lucky? He thought, who would have thought that he'd consider two critically wounded as being good luck. But in light of the hundreds they'd operated on over the past twelve hours it was all relative.

The two soldiers were prepped and ready for surgery.

"Winchester and Pierce, I want you two on these. We'll go with our strength here... and you two are the chest cutters."

"Aw shucks," said BJ, "I want to play too, Dad."

"You can't have all the fun, Beej," smiled Hawkeye. "But I can always use a gas passer. So scrub up and join the 'party.' Margaret, care to join us?"

Margaret looked up, exhaustion in her eyes, "Of course, I wouldn't want to miss assisting the great Benjamin Franklin Pierce. I have to have something to tell my grandchildren about some day."

"Oh pleeease," moaned Charles. "Any more syrup and I'll go into a diabetic coma."

"Charles, you're not a diabetic," laughed BJ

"My point exactly," said Charles.

* * *

"Klinger! Where's that x-ray?" Margaret called out from the OR.

"Coming, oh Angel of Mercy."

"Stick it in your ear!" She replied. She was tired and just wanted to get on with the surgery so she could rest her weary head. It had already been a long day, no, two days in surgery. Every part of Margaret's body ached and she longed to sink into a hot bubble bath. Since that wasn't an option she'd settle for a shower and a snooze on her cot.

"Now now, Margaret, play nice," said Hawkeye, grinning behind his mask. "I'm scrubbed and ready to go…where's my patient?"

Two corpsman carried in the young red haired man Margaret had diagnosed in triage. Hawkeye examined the x-ray.

"This boy looks like a junkyard." said Hawkeye. "Looks like you're a regular collector of shrapnel, kid." He pointed out the x-ray to BJ. "There's some around the right femur and in the pelvic area. What concerns me the most is the concentration in the left side of his chest. I'll go in after that first. For the most part I think you're going to be just fine, son," he said to the young soldier.

"Hello, Captain Pierce, remember me?" said the young man on the table. "I'm Corporal Howard Owens. I've been here before. You operated on a lacerated artery in my right leg."

"Ah yes," replied the surgeon with a smile. "I thought I recognized you as a repeat customer."

"Is Radar still here? When I was here before he gave me his lucky four leaf clover. It d-d-doesn't seem to have been very lucky for me, though." Owens said with labored breath.

Hawkeye said, "Radar went home a few months ago. The place hasn't been the same without him. Personally, Owens, I think you just couldn't get enough of the Chateau 4077."

"I-i-i g-guess not. Frankly, Sir, I'd rather stay at The Roadside Motel back h-h-home." said Owens weakly.

Hawkeye laughed, "That's very good Owens. At least they haven't injured your sense of humor. So, tell me, did you go swimming in a mine field?"

"N-n-not exactly s-s-sir, my buddy, Private Hollister stepped on a landmine and I was next to him when it happened." A tear trickled down his face. The young corporal was now forcing words between desperate gasps for air. "T-t-there wasn't much left of him…Captain Pierce, i-i-it h-h-hurts when I take a b-b-breath."

"Margaret, stethoscope…hold it for me so I don't have to rescrub. "Okay, no more talking, Owens." The surgeon listened to the boy's chest. His breath sounds were equal and bilateral. He spoke to Owens reassuringly, "Your chest sounds clear, you're probably experiencing a little panic. Relax and take it easy. We'll take care of you. I think this time you might even get to go home." Hawkeye took another look at the young man and noticed, with growing concern that his lips were turning blue, cyanosis. This was not a good sign ."Beej, put him under, stat!"

But before BJ could get the mask over Owens' face the boy arched his back in pain, his eyes widened and rolled back in his head.

Hawkeye knew he had to act quickly. "Looks like we have an aneurism…!"

Before the surgeon could get another word out of his mouth the boy's chest seemed to explode. The red stream knocked Hawkeye against the next table, covering him from head to toe. He staggered backward, hitting his head hard on the concrete floor.

He jumped up prepared to do cardiac massage. But BJ grabbed his friend, pulling him away from Owens.

"Hawk, he's gone."

Charles watched in stunned silence from his table. "Good Lord," he managed to whisper.

Klinger ran to find Colonel Potter. Father Mulcahy who had witnessed the entire event stood silent for a moment and then approached the dead boy to administer last rites.

Hawkeye stood, dazed, literally bathed in Howard Owens' blood. He gave BJ a look that would haunt the surgeon from California until the day he died.

"Hawkeye, there was nothing you could have done." BJ said, attempting not to let his voice waver.

Margaret touched his shoulder. In a husky voice she whispered, "Hawkeye, you did your best."

Hawkeye started to laugh in a way that frightened Margaret. It was an eerie and hollow laugh…almost inhuman in its sound, "My best? I did my best? Margaret, I didn't do a damn thing! I talked to him…made a joke. My best? My God! I killed him." Hawkeye took off his cap and mask and threw them hard to the floor.

"Hawk, I don't understand," said BJ questioningly, "You didn't touch him, how could you have killed him?"

Colonel Potter came through the door. He'd seen this happen before on the battlefield in WWI. It was something no one could ever become accustomed to. He'd hoped he'd never see anything like it again.

Quietly he motioned to Margaret and BJ to get Hawkeye out of the OR. "Take him and get him cleaned up. Klinger, get a couple of corpsman and get this mess cleaned up. I'm sorry to have to do this to you, son, but someone has to do it. Remind me to tell you again, how much I appreciate you, Max."

Klinger had tears in his eyes, "Yessir. I'll get right on it. Colonel, is Captain Pierce going to be okay?"

"I certainly hope so, son." Colonel Potter hoped this wouldn't be the final straw to break the camel's back. He'd seen Hawkeye go through a lot and somehow he'd always managed to land on his feet. Something about the look in the younger surgeon's eyes scared the older man. "I certainly hope so."

* * *

BJ kept a firm arm around Hawkeye as he walked him to the showers. Margaret had an arm wrapped around Hawkeye's waist. Her tears made it hard to see where they were going so she followed BJ's lead. Hawkeye kept repeating, "I killed him. I killed him." He was totally oblivious to the fact that nearly everyone in camp stood, watching them as they made their way to the showers.

BJ knew it was quite a spectacle; the three of them in blood spattered surgical clothing and Hawkeye, who walked between them was completely covered. He still looked dazed. BJ felt fear welling up inside him.

BJ remembered Steve Newsome, who had come to fill in when Charles and Colonel Potter had the mumps. He was a skilled surgeon with a sense of humor that matched Hawkeye's and his own. He seemed to fit in well at the 4077. It had been a while since he'd been 'in the trenches' though and without any warning, the man had snapped. He just wandered out of OR into Potter's tent and sat down, staring into space. He kept repeating, "It doesn't wash off…no matter how I try, it doesn't wash off…I can't…I can't."

"Margaret, can you go to the Swamp and get Hawk a clean set of clothes?" BJ asked. "Are you going to be okay?"

Margaret seemed pretty shaken and BJ didn't want to put any more on her than she could handle.

"Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay?" she asked almost defensively. But her eyes told him a different story. "I'll be right back with his clothes and a towel."

* * *

Back in the OR, Charles left Kelleye to close the skin on the patient he'd just finished operating on. The operation was a success and comparatively uneventful. He breathed a sigh of relief.

Everyone in the room was still in shock over what they had just witnessed with Corporal Owens' violent death and Captain Pierce's reaction.

"Good heavens," said Father Mulcahy. "I've never seen anything quite like that. Major Winchester, what just happened?"

"Pulmonary embolism, Father, an aneurism…to put it in terms you can understand, a blood clot caused by trauma from a chest wound. But to tell you the truth, I've never seen one quite so severe myself." There was no trace of arrogance in Charles' voice, only a mixture of exhaustion and astonishment.

"I saw it happen like that one other time back in dubya dubya one." Colonel Potter reminisced." It was out on the battlefield…a young soldier with a bayonet wound in his chest. The medic tried to make the boy more comfortable and the next thing he knew the chest burst and the force of the blood from the artery knocked the medic clean into a nearby tree. I had nightmares about it for years. I suspect others did, too."

"I'm worried about Captain Pierce," said Father Mulcahy.

"Yes, Padre, I'm with you there. I have a sneaking suspicion we'll be making a call to Sidney Freedman." The colonel decided to go to the showers to check on his two surgeons. He looked back and said, "Winchester, are you okay?"

"Of course I am, I'm a Winchester," retorted the surgeon, trying to seem pompous and sure of himself. Then he replied more thoughtfully, "I will be okay, Colonel, thank you for asking."

The truth of the matter was that Charles was concerned for his bunkmate. He'd seen Pierce rant over injustice and rave at his hate for guns. He'd seen the man make a total fool of himself over a pretty nurse and he'd seen him falling down drunk. But the look he saw in the other surgeon's eyes tonight made his blood run cold.

* * *

"BJ, I killed that boy." Hawkeye sputtered from under the running water. "You can keep me under this shower until I turn into a prune and his blood will still be on my hands."

"Hawk, you're talking nonsense. You didn't even have a chance to touch him." BJ was sponging down the other doctor as gently as he might have bathed his daughter, Erin.

"I operated on him twice before and sent him back to the front…not once, but twice. Third time's a charm, they say. But then they also say death comes in threes, don't they? Who are 'they', Beej. If I'd sent him home he'd be alive. He might be at a drive in with the girl next door tonight, breaking curfew. That child wasn't a soldier….aaaaaaaaaaaah" Hawkeye let out a cry that turned BJ's stomach inside out.

"Hawkeye, listen to me. I remember the times that Corporal Owens was here. His wounds didn't warrant a discharge. You couldn't have sent him home, it was out of your jurisdiction."

"I could have lied."

"And risked court martial? And, Hawk, what about the hundreds of other boys that went back to the front after we operated on them? You did your job to the best of your ability. We've all lost patients, you have, I have, Colonel Potter, Charles….But think of how many lives we've saved."

"Yeah, we saved them. We got 'em well enough to go back and die! Damn I hate this war…I hate this place!" Hawkeye yelled, grabbed the wash cloth from BJ and threw it back in his face. BJ stared at Hawkeye not knowing what to say.

Colonel Potter had been standing at the door for while now. "Son, is there anything I can do?"

"Sure, Sherman!" said a raging Hawkeye, "Put an end to this damn war!"

Chapter 6 – Confronting the Demon

Margaret had been standing by the door listening to the two surgeons when Colonel Potter made his way to the shower tent. He'd taken the clothes and towel in with him. Margaret removed her bloody surgical gown and stared at in horror. It had been nearly as saturated as Hawkeye's. She put her hand to her face, realizing that her appearance wasn't far removed from his. She was covered.

In her distress, Margaret held the once white gown to her as child would cuddle a teddy bear. She wondered where Radar's teddy bear might be, she could certainly use him right now. Her heart was beating so fast right now she felt as if her own chest would explode. She hoped that Colonel Potter could say something that might comfort Hawkeye. He looked on him as a second father. Hawkeye might listen to him, BJ certainly wasn't having much of an effect.

Were they losing their chief surgeon? She remembered the night that the replacement surgeon, Steve, had cracked up. She couldn't imagine the 4077 without Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. He was the linchpin that held the unit together. If he went over the edge, what would happen to the unit? What would happen to her?

No! The feisty head nurse squared her shoulders. She wasn't going to cave in to such thoughts. She simply wouldn't allow it!

* * *

"Hawkeye, if I had the power that would end this stinking war, don't you think I'd do it?" Colonel Potter spoke gently to the younger man as he would to a spooked horse.

"Colonel Potter, I killed him. I sent that boy back to the front…_twice!" _

"Mule fritters!" exclaimed the colonel. "Son, it's a war! Young men die in war, you can't change that. Listen to me, Hawkeye, there was nothing you could have done for Corporal Owens. He was a dead man before he ever reached your table. Unless you're God there's no way you could have foreseen that embolism. Last time I checked, you're not God."

Hawkeye's agitation seemed to be somewhat pacified. He leaned his head down on the wall in front of him. "You're right, Colonel. Beej, I'm sorry I yelled at you."

BJ moved to the next stall to clean the blood off of his own face and body. "It's all right, Hawk, I'd yell, too." BJ thought there was something strange about the way the other man calmed so quickly. Perhaps he was wrong. He hoped he was wrong. But something wasn't right.

"That's more like it," said the colonel with a smile. "Now why don't you boys finish cleaning up and then head over to the swamp for some shut-eye. You've been at it for nearly twenty four hours. Then in a few hours, when you're rested, meet me at the officer's club for a drink, my treat. Bring Winchester along, I think he could probably use a belt." He turned to leave then looked back, "Oh and, Hawkeye, BJ, that's an order."

"Yessir," said the two surgeons in unison. "Thank you, Colonel, _sir!"_

"You, too, Margaret," winked the colonel at his head nurse as he passed her on his way out. "You look bushed. I'd say you're next in line for the shower. See you at 1800 hours at the officer's club, Major."

Minutes later, BJ and a smiling Hawkeye emerged from the showers. The latter turned to Margaret and said, "Hey, Major Baby, you need a shower! You're a mess!"

* * *

Colonel Potter returned to his office. "Klinger put in a call to Sidney Freedman."

Klinger looked up from his desk. "Is Hawkeye…is..is he…?"

"No, Max, he hasn't gone loco, but I think he might need someone to talk to besides us."

Hawkeye had calmed when the colonel spoke to him. But there was something in his demeanor that caused Sherman to be skeptical. He wasn't convinced that Hawkeye had made it through the crisis.

* * *

Margaret closed her eyes and allowed the water to rain down over her, relaxing her tense shoulder muscles. It felt good to finally have a shower…the next stop would be her cot. It had been a long night…twice.

Seeing Hawkeye finally smile and even taunt her a bit was a relief. She silently prayed that he was really okay.

* * *

"Sidney, I haven't seen anything like it since the first world war. It hit him pretty hard…uh-huh…yes..horrible…simply awful. I think our chief surgeon could use someone with your expertise to talk to… Super! Thanks Sid! See you tomorrow around 1500. I owe you one."

Colonel Potter hung up the phone. Major Sidney Freedman, an army psychiatrist, seemed to have great rapport with Hawkeye. Hell, he'd come through for him a time or two as well. Sid was a great guy and Sherman hoped that this would help his chief surgeon through his crisis. The last thing he needed was for one of his surgeons to crack up. Surgeons were damn hard to come by out here. Good surgeons even harder. He'd been fortunate to have three top notch surgeons in Hunnicutt, Pierce and Winchester…that's four counting himself, thought the colonel with a smile.

He looked at his watch, 1745, 5:45 in civilian lingo. It was time to head over to the officer's club to make good on his invitation.

Chapter 7 – The Storm after the Calm

Hawkeye stood on the beach watching a beautiful sunrise. He was back in Crabapple Cove. The waves lapped up on the shore and around his bare feet. He looked out at the water…the sun reflecting on the water was magnificent. He was ready to jump into the water for a swim when he saw a figure emerge from the gentle waves. He squinted to see who this person might be. The figure came toward him with hands extended. He called out to Hawkeye…"Doctor! Doctor! Save me, I c-can't breathe!" As he came closer Hawkeye recognized the young man with red hair. His lips were blue and he kept calling to Hawkeye that he couldn't breathe…suddenly his chest burst open spewing blood everywhere. Just as suddenly as he'd appeared the boy disappeared into the water. Hawkeye looked down at the water that covered his feet in horror. It wasn't water but blood…He cried out in anguish…

"Hawkeye! Hawkeye, wake up! You're having a bad dream." BJ sat beside him on his cot, shaking his shoulders.

Hawkeye blinked himself back to the reality of Korea and the Swamp. "Beej, he was there…in the water…the water was Owens…." He was sweating profusely as he tried to verbalize the nightmare to his bunkmate.

"It was a dream, Hawk. You're in the Swamp, Coporal Owens is gone. It's okay."

"Okay? Do you think it's ever going to be 'okay?' This is one nightmare that will follow me the rest of my life…I kill…"

"You didn't kill him, Hawk. You've got to believe that," BJ said imploringly.

"Oh…what are you cretins yelling about now?" Charles called out, his face half submerged in his pillow. " Pleeeeaase, Have you no compassion for a dying man?"

"Time to wake up, Chuckles," said BJ. "We're due to meet the colonel and Margaret at the officer's club in about 15 minutes. "Good thing for us the place is in our neighborhood. I'll go save you guys a seat. You going to be okay, Hawk?"

"Yeah…sure…you go ahead. Tell Margaret to save a spot on her dance card for me." Hawkeye said as he rubbed his hands over his face. "God, what a nightmare!"

"I can wait for you if you want," said BJ.

"No! I'm fine…now go, will ya! I don't need a babysitter!"

BJ looked at him, not so convinced. He shook his head and made his way out the door.

"Ya know…Pierce…Hawkeye," Charles began. "There really wasn't anything you could have done for that unfortunate lad. As much as I hate to say it, you're a skilled surgeon, nearly as skilled as I…and I couldn't have saved him."

"Why, Charles, how charitable of you," said Hawkeye with more than a hint of sarcasm.

"Not at 'tall. I was merely stating the facts as I see them." said Charles, ignoring Pierce's sarcasm. He understood that anger was a normal reaction to what the other doctor had been through.

Charles had come to see Pierce as more of a friend. For him the turning point had come when Hawkeye had found out that his father was having a delicate operation and hadn't informed his son prior to the event. Hawkeye had been in distress and Charles, of all people, was the one to stand by him. War did indeed make for strange bedfellows.

"Well, Charlie, shall we go join the others? I'd hate to miss the opportunity for free booze." Hawkeye said.

* * *

"He woke up screaming from what must've been one helluva nightmare," BJ said to Colonel Potter and Margaret. The three of them were sitting at the bar while Klinger served. He was acting bartender this evening. "He's convinced that he's responsible for killing that boy."

"I put in a call to Sid Freedman…he'll be here tomorrow at 1500 hours," said the colonel.

"How do you think he'll react to that," BJ asked.

"I don't know…I honestly don't know. Your guess is as good as mine, Hunnicutt."

Charles and Hawkeye entered the room. The colonel leaned over to BJ, put his finger to his lips and whispered, "Time to change the subject."

"Well, I see the party has started without us!" said Hawkeye loudly. "You weren't discussing anything in particular were you?"

"Of course not, Pierce," said Margaret smiling broadly, perhaps too broadly she thought. She had a way of being unnatural when she was trying to act natural. She knew Hawkeye could see right through her. "Come, sit down, I saved you a seat."

"Uh huh," Hawkeye replied with a smirk.

Conversation continued as they drank the night away. It was obvious to Hawkeye that there was an unnatural air to the evening. He felt guilty because he knew that he was taking his anger out on his friends with sarcasm. He didn't want them to feel uncomfortable around him. But _he_ was uncomfortable, he was filled with guilt over Corporal Owens' death. With each pang of guilt, Hawkeye downed another shot.

"Hawkeye, how about a dance with me," Margaret urged, hoping it would ease some tension.

"You want to dance with a killer, Margaret?"

"No I don't. I want to dance with you, one of the most gifted surgeons I've ever worked with."

"And you've…um…'worked' with quite a few, haven't you?" Hawkeye wished he could swallow his tongue at that moment. "Margaret, I-I…"

He never got the words out. She looked at him for a moment, hurt and tears welling up in her eyes. Before he could utter another word her hand came hard across his face. He staggered backward and fell over a chair. BJ and Charles leaned over to help him back to his feet.

Charles said, "We-helll, Romeo, I think you've had one too many…maybe it's time to go _sleep_ it off before the little lady comes back and _knocks_ it off."

BJ gave Charles a look that told him he was about to say too much.

The hour was getting late and the group left one by one until the only three left were BJ, Hawkeye and Klinger. BJ asked, "Hawk, I'm going to turn in…I think you should join me."

"Sorry, you're not my type."

"Suit yourself." And with that Hunnicutt made his way back to the Swamp. "Good night, Klinger. Don't stay up too long, Hawk. I think you could use some sleep."

"Good night, Captain Hunnicutt," said Klinger.

"Good night, Dad," sneered Hawkeye.

Klinger gave BJ a look that bordered on panic at being left with the drunk and volatile doctor. BJ responded to the look, "Hawk, I think Klinger would like to close down the bar."

Hawkeye's eyes flashed at BJ, "I don't really give a damn. Klinger another shot!"

"Captain, Don't you think maybe you've had enough."

"I said I want another drink…then I'll leave."

Klinger poured Hawkeye another drink. BJ headed for the swamp, hoping his friend wouldn't do something he was going to regret.

Hawkeye sipped from his glass of scotch quietly, his eyes on the bar in front of him. It seemed to him that no matter how much he had to drink he saw Howard Owens' panic stricken face.

Potter had said to him earlier, "Young men die in war…you can't change that." Where had he heard that before? Ah yes. He remembered. It was Henry Blake after Hawkeye lost his friend Tommy Gillis on the table. That seemed like a century ago. Let's see, how was it he put that?

"…In a war there are certain rules and rule number one is that young men die and rule number two is that doctors can't change rule number one."

Henry Blake. Another friend lost to this crummy war…Trapper left without saying goodbye…Tommy Gillis was dead…Corporal Owens exploded on the table…

The anger boiled up inside of Hawkeye until he felt that he would explode. The room swam in front of him. It was all too much…he couldn't take any more. When did this nightmare end?

Klinger watched, paralyzed with terror, as Captain Pierce stood, picked up a chair and began swinging it, smashing it into anything he came close to. The Lebanese company clerk and temporary bartender combat crawled toward the door, hoping that the raging doctor wouldn't see him. He thought how ironic it was that it was in a bar that his boot camp training was finally useful.

"Damn this lousy war!" Smash! Pierce shattered glasses that were left on the tables. "It's never going to end!"

" I can't take any more of this!" He screamed. Crash! The chair found its way to a pinball machine. The glass flew into the air. In his frenzy, Hawkeye was completely unaware he'd been hit by a piece of flying glass, leaving a gash above his right eye.

* * *

As BJ walked back to the swamp, he heard what sounded like crying coming from Margaret's tent. She had left over an hour ago, right after she slapped Hawkeye.

He knocked on her door. "Margaret? Margaret? Are you okay?"

"Go away…leave me alone!"

"Margaret, it's BJ. It might help if you talk to someone."

She opened the door and looked up at BJ with eyes red from crying. His heart nearly broke at the sight of her. He put his arms around her shoulders. She laid her head on his shoulder for a few moments before she spoke, "I talked to someone the other night and tonight he turned on me."

"Margaret, you know that Hawkeye's not himself tonight."

"He had no right…"

"No, he had no right, but he's not thinking straight."

"I know but…."

The two were suddenly interrupted by a wild eyed Klinger running in their direction. BJ headed him off, grabbing his shoulders.

"Captain! Where's Colonel Potter? I-i need to get the colonel…." Max cried, trying to catch his breath and talk at the same time.

The hair on the back of BJ's neck stood on end. "Max, is it Hawkeye? Something's happened hasn't it?"

The panicked company clerk nodded, "Sir, he's on a rampage! He's tearing up the officer's club…I barely escaped with my life!"

Without a word BJ sprinted toward the officer's club with Margaret keeping pace close behind. They stopped at the door, shocked by what they saw.

Tables were turned and broken glass covered the floor and the bar. A berserk Hawkeye in fatigues and red robe was wielding a wooden chair, destroying everything in his wake.

"Pierce!" yelled Margaret. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She had seen him do some crazy things before but this one went above and beyond. She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. She clutched BJ's hand and gave it a hard squeeze.

Margaret's outcry startled Hawkeye for a moment and he stopped where he stood. He looked at her in way that made her skin crawl. She couldn't see Captain Pierce in those eyes…it was the look of a wild animal being threatened with captivity. Blood was dripping from the cut above his eye giving him a macabre appearance. Then he smiled, "Why Major Hot Lips. Should I salute? Or would you like to go take a tumble in my tent. I'm sure I can fit you into my busy schedule, between killing patients and…"

"Hawkeye, stop it!" BJ yelled, not really knowing what to say.

"Stop it?" Hawkeye wheezed a laugh. "Stop it, he says. Okay, Captain Hunnicutt, I'll stop it when this major atrocity stops." With that he resumed his destructive activity.

BJ whispered to Margaret, "Try distracting him again. I'll see if I can't restrain him."

"Shouldn't we call the MP's?" she whispered back.

But BJ had already entered the room.

"Pierce, listen to me! You've got to stop this. Tearing up the club isn't going to accomplish anything!" Margaret cried.

"Margaret, why don't you go back to your tent and play with your toy soldiers."

Hawkeye had stopped again which made it possible for BJ to come up from behind and grabbed him around the neck.

"Drop the chair, Hawk!" BJ said.

Hawkeye dropped the chair and tried to turn in BJ's grasp. He broke free, whirled around and swung in the direction of BJ's face. However he was too drunk to hit his target. BJ grabbed his fist and wrestled him to the floor. Both men sat on the floor breathing hard. BJ held Hawkeye firmly.

Margaret came into the room and knelt down beside the two men.

"Margaret I wouldn't…." began BJ.

"I wouldn't either, Maaaargaret," quipped the other man. "You don't know what crazy Hawkeye, the camp murderer, might do to you."

"Stop it, Pierce!" she cried. "You're not a murderer! You couldn't have saved that boy! We're surrounded by death here. We make life and death decisions every day…."

"Oh yeah, Major…" snarled Hawkeye. "When was the last time _you_ had to make a life or death decision? Huh? You're a _nurse._ What do you know about that kind of pain?"

"How dare you! How _dare _you? You-you _animal_! Do you think you have a monopoly on pain? The great Doctor Benjamin Franklin Pierce! The great white surgeon! You arrogant bastard! You think that the nurses are here simply for your pleasure. When was the last time _you _sat by the bed of a dying boy and held his hand? Who the _hell _do you think you are?" with that Margaret burst into tears. "D-damn you!"

Hawkeye was stunned into silence. All of the adrenaline that had fueled his rampage seemed to drain from him. BJ felt the tension in the other man's shoulders release so he relaxed his grip.

Hawkeye stared at the crying nurse in front of him for a moment. "Margaret," he whispered hoarsely, "I-I'm sorry…." He held his arms out to her and she willingly fell into them. He held her close. Tears began to flow from his eyes, soaking Margaret's hair. It was if the dam burst and all of the horror within him drained out in the form of heaving sobs.

Colonel Potter stood by the door, flanked by two MP's. He looked sadly at the strange scene. Margaret, Hawkeye and BJ sat on the floor amidst the broken glass and furniture. BJ had an arm around Hawkeye and Hawkeye was holding Margaret as though his life depended on her nearness, sobbing as if his heart would break.

"I don't think you'll be needed," Potter told the MP's. He motioned to BJ who was quickly at the colonel's side. "Get Pierce to the VIP tent and sedate him. Sidney has his work cut out for him."

Chapter 8 –The Fall and Rise of Hawkeye Pierce

"I'm so sorry… Margaret." Hawkeyes words came between sobs. "Beej, I didn't mean to hit you."

"Don't worry Hawk," smiled BJ, "You missed."

"Oh…well in that case…Beej, I'm going crazy, aren't I? They're going to lock me up in the wackateria…"

Margaret caught BJ's eye behind Hawkeye BJ returned a look filled with apprehension. He wasn't sure how to answer his friend. BJ and Margaret helped their fallen friend slowly to his feet which wasn't easy. Hawkeye was extremely dizzy and not exactly light on his feet.

"Hawk, you had a disturbing experience and have had way too much to drink I'm not sure you'd be asking that question if you were going nuts." Again BJ and Margaret shared worried glances.

The three now stood in the midst of shattered glass and broken furniture. As Hawkeye looked around, the realization of what he'd done hit him full force. His head was spinning now and his heart was sick.

"I-I didn't hurt Klinger did I?"

"No, but he's pretty shaken up, though," said BJ.

The three walked out of the club. BJ directed them to Pre-Op.

"Hey, wait a minute. Aren't we going the wrong direction? Why aren't we headed for the Swamp?" asked Hawkeye, who was wanting nothing more than to lay down or head for the latrine to lose the supper he didn't have, whichever came first.

"You have a nasty cut over your eye. I suspect it will take a stitch or two and I might need to dig some glass out of it. There was a fair amount of glass flying in there."

When they reached Pre-Op Margaret led Hawkeye to a table and helped him sit down. "Oh someone make the room stop spinning," he moaned.

Margaret handed him a small mirror. He looked and said, "Ouch!" The right side of his face was bloody from the gash over his eye. He winced as BJ injected a local anesthetic into the cut…he also winced at the memory of what he'd just done. He sat quietly as Margaret gently cleaned his face. He looked down in remorse, his eyes moist with tears.

"Margaret you are an angel of mercy," Hawkeye smiled at her. She turned her head, not wanting to make eye contact. Her feelings were fighting a war inside her head and she didn't want to run the risk of him seeing it.

"Hawk, I'm going to give you something to help you sleep." said BJ, holding a hypodermic.

"Why to I need something to help me sleep? I'm ready to pass out as it is."

"Colonel's orders," replied BJ. "We'll take this and give it to you in the VIP tent where you'll be sleeping."

"The VIP tent? Why the VIP tent? Why not the Swamp." BJ opened his mouth to reply.

"Don't tell me…" Hawkeye said, "Colonel's orders?" BJ nodded.

"So Beej, tell me, what time will Sidney Freedman be here?"

"1500 hours…three o'clock this afternoon."

* * *

Margaret ran to him through a field of wildflowers, anticipating his embrace. She could see him coming toward her with the sun behind him. He was laughing that infectious laugh of his, his shaggy salt and pepper hair blowing in the breeze. He was tall and lanky, wearing a blue and white flowered shirt, the kind you'd see in Hawaii. He caught her up in his arms and kissed her passionately. She heard violin music being played close by.

Suddenly he pulled away from her, staring at her with a look of terrible sadness and cried, "Help me, Margaret, please. The blood won't come off no matter how hard I try…please…I can't…I can't…" All of the color drained from his intense blue eyes, leaving hollow, bloody sockets. She recoiled from him in terror. A bitterly cold wind whipped across the field and the man in the flowered shirt shattered, like glass into a million pieces. The shards of glass were carried off by the wind…

Margaret woke with a gasp. She breathed a sigh of relief to find herself in her tent. She looked around, disoriented by the dream she'd just awakened from. What time was it?

It had been about three in the morning before she'd gotten to bed. She reached for her alarm clock. She'd forgotten to set it. It was 0845…she was supposed to relieve Kellye at 0900.

They had managed to get Hawkeye to the VIP tent and sedated him without incident. Margaret had wanted to stay with him but BJ pointed out her need for rest and she'd been too exhausted to protest. They recruited Kellye to sit with him, not wanting to leave him alone in case he should wake up. Margaret doubted that he would wake up with all the scotch and sedative in his system.

Margaret got dressed and grabbed her hairbrush. She had just enough time to make herself presentable and grab a cup of coffee in the mess tent. She sat down at her table and checked herself out in the mirror. There were dark circles under her eyes which wasn't at all surprising. She examined a rusty colored patch in the hair on top of her head. She surmised that it was blood from Hawkeye that dripped onto her head when he was holding her last night. There was no time to wash her hair this morning so she piled it all on top of her head. Her head was throbbing, she needed that cup of coffee.

* * *

"Have you looked in on Pierce this morning, BJ?" asked Charles.

"Not yet. I will in a little while, although I seriously doubt that he's going to wake up for a while. He's had enough booze and sedative to give the colonel's horse a lost weekend." moaned BJ rubbing his eyes.

"That's quite a disaster in the officer's club," said Charles. "I'm glad I didn't get to stay for the floor show, as it were."

"Eat your shorts, Winchester!" Margaret yelled.

Charles hadn't seen Margaret come in and was a bit taken aback by the loud comment that seemed to come from nowhere. Charles noted how tired she looked.

"Well Margaret, you certainly are the chipper one this morning," quipped Charles.

"Major Winchester, it doesn't seem that Major Houlihan is appreciative of your observations. I understand that last night was quite a disaster," said Father Mulcahy. He had been at the orphanage since the day before and hadn't been at the officer's club with the others. He had heard about it when he returned that morning. "I must say it certainly is a terrible thing…I do hope Captain Pierce is going to be all right. I will make it a matter of prayer for sure."

"Good morning, BJ, …Colonel…Father, " said Margaret, obviously ignoring Charles. She'd had a rough night and wasn't ready to have a battle of wits with the arrogant surgeon. She took her cup of coffee and headed for the VIP tent. "If you all will please excuse me, I'm late to relieve Kellye."

"Charles, you do have a knack for knowing just the right thing to say, don't you?" said BJ with a smirk.

"Sorry, just trying to add a little levity to an obviously tense situation," replied Charles sullenly.

"Winchester, if you want to add levity to the situation, might I suggest that you zip your lip," said Colonel Potter in a gruff voice that suggested he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before.

"How's Klinger, doing, Colonel?" asked BJ. "He had kind of rough night, too."

"Ah yes," said the priest. "I understand that Sergeant Klinger was the unfortunate bartender last night. I hope he wasn't hit by any flying glass."

Colonel Potter shook his head, "I let the boy sleep this morning. You know Klinger…he'll be just fine. It's that chief surgeon of mine that I'm a bit concerned about. After last night, I don't know whether I should call for a replacement or wait to see what Dr. Freedman has to say."

"You don't think he'll be sent home?" BJ asked looking down at the table. The thought of spending the rest of the war without his best friend gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I doubt that he'll be sent home…but Dr. Freedman might want him to do some hospital time. Well, let's just wait and see what he has to say. He'll be here in a few hours, so hopefully we'll have a better idea by tonight. I gotta tell ya, this has me a little worried." The colonel got up to leave. "If you all will excuse me, I think I'll go take a little ride on Sophie. I-Corps says that things are going to be fairly quiet for the next couple of days."

"Perhaps I should stop by and visit Captain Pierce this morning," said Father Mulcahy.

"I think that would be real nice, Padre," said Colonel Potter as he went out the door.

* * *

Margaret slowly opened the door of the VIP tent. Hawkeye was still asleep on the cot and Kellye was practically asleep over a book. Margaret smiled, it couldn't be too exciting for Kellye to sit and watch her patient sleep.

"Kellye, I'm here to relieve you. Sorry I'm late."

"That's okay ma'am. You needed the sleep."

Of course the whole camp knew of what had transpired in the officer's club. There wasn't much of anything that happened privately at the 4077 that wasn't known publicly in a matter of hours.

"Thanks, Kellye. Enjoy the rest of your day."

Margaret took the chair that Kellye had occupied, but not before checking Hawkeye's vital signs. Blood pressure and pulse were normal. She sat and sipped her coffee, watching him sleep.

The past week had been full of confusion for Margaret. The other night, after Millie Carpenter's memorial service, it seemed that something could be happening between her and Hawkeye. Then Howard Owens died on the table and the world turned upside down.

She wondered if things would ever be 'normal' again. Not that life in the MASH unit could be considered normal. But for Margaret, part of normal was Hawkeye and BJ and even Charles pulling an occasional practical joke. Normal meant Hawkeye and BJ trying to outdo each other at joking in the OR.

She wiped away a tear that had managed to escape her resolve to be tough. She jumped slightly when a moan from the sleeping surgeon broke the silence. She moved closer to the cot and stroked Hawkeye's forehead. He was becoming restless and was mumbling something she couldn't make out.

He opened his eyes slightly and said groggily, "I have died and gone to heaven."

"Surely you of all people can come up with a better line then that, Captain," replied Margaret. "That's beneath even you."

"Too tired…have to rely on what I know."

"How do you feel?" she asked.

" I feel like I've been attacked by a stampeding herd of scotch bottles."

She smiled at the joke he made. He sounded more like the Hawkeye Pierce that she knew. She hoped this was a good sign. In another moment he'd fallen back to sleep.

There was a knock at the door and then BJ entered. "How is he?" he asked.

"He woke up a few minutes ago and made a joke," she said with slight smile. "This is a good sign, isn't it, Doctor?"

"I hope so, Margaret. I guess we'll know better in a few hours when Sidney gets here and talks to him."

"His vital signs are normal," she said, anticipating the question that BJ was about to ask.

"You're quite a nurse, Margaret and an amazing woman," BJ observed.

Margaret blushed at the compliment. She thought that Peg Hunnicutt was one lucky woman. BJ was the kindest, most considerate and upright man she'd ever met, besides Father Mulcahy. He and Hawkeye were very much alike in the areas of caring and compassion. But there was something dangerous about Hawkeye.

Margaret found herself drawn to that danger like a moth to a flame. She could think of dozens of reasons not to be attracted to him. But lately reason seemed to be taking a back seat to her heart.

"Are you making a pass, Beej? Am I going to have to write to Peg and tell on you?" a muffled voice came from the cot interrupted Margaret's thoughts.

"Hey, buddy! You're awake," said BJ. He was pleased to see Hawkeye calm and in seemingly better spirits. Of course he was half awake so he couldn't really be sure of anything. BJ sat on the cot next to Hawkeye and looked under the bandage on his head. "I had to put a few stitches here. I did my best sewing so you won't have a bad scar."

"Thanks," said Hawkeye with a yawn. "I was worried about that."

"Well, I'm on duty, this morning, I'll be back to check on you later," said BJ. "Take care of him, Margaret."

"Even in his groggy state of mind, Hawkeye could tell that his friends were trying too hard to be cheerful.

"Margaret," said Hawkeye, taking her hand. "Please sit down. I need to say something."

Margaret sat on the side of the bed, not knowing what to expect from him.

"I remember saying some nasty things to you last night…"

"Pierce, you don't have to…"

"Yes, Margaret, I do. You were only trying to be a friend. Let's face it, both of us have pasts…the way I've chased the nurses and jumped from one bed to the other, I have no right to make insinuations about your past…."

Her eyes filled with tears. She didn't know how much of last night he would actually remember. She had been hurt and angered by his comments. Now she wasn't sure how she felt. She smiled at him.

"Thank you, Hawkeye."

He reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek.

* * *

"Sidney! I've been expecting you!" Hawkeye said with a smile.

"So I hear," said the psychiatrist. "They tell me you tried to redecorate the officer's club."

"It needed a new look. I'm sure they've told you more than that. Shall we dispense with the small talk and cut to the chase, Sidney? We both know why you're here. I may be disturbed but I'm not crazy."

"I'm glad to hear that. There seems to be some confusion around here about your state of mind," said Sidney with a grin. He hadn't been sure himself what state of mind he'd find the surgeon in. "A sense of humor is a good sign."

"So tell me, do you remember what happened in the officer's club last night?"

"Yes, I wish I didn't but I do."

"Tell me about it."

"I knew you'd say that," Hawkeye smiled at Sidney but the smile faded quickly. He recognized the look on the psychiatrist's face that said evasion wasn't going to work. "Uh-huh, yeah, well. I…had a little too much to drink and got angry and picked up a chair and broke every damn glass in the house and few lights…"

"…and scared the hell out of your company clerk. Now that you've given me the Reader's Digest version shall we go for the unabridged? Hawkeye, I know this is hard for you to talk about….but humor me…what made you so angry that you felt the need to break things?"

"It started the day before when a chopper came with two wounded soldiers with chest wounds…."

Hawkeye recounted the incidents in the OR with Corporal Owens. At times it was difficult for him to talk.

"His chest exploded?" Sidney asked. "I've never seen that happen before, had you?"

"No I hadn't. Colonel Potter said he saw it happen on the battle field in WWI….It all happened so fast, Sidney. One minute I was having a pleasant conversation with this kid who didn't seem to be seriously injured…lot of shrapnel…but didn't seem life threatening. We'd met before…"

"You'd met before? How had you met…you mean socially?"

"We'd met before, as in I'd operated on him twice before…" said Hawkeye becoming somewhat agitated. "We tend to have quite a few repeat customers here at the 4077 body and femur shop.

As I was saying, he didn't seem be that bad off…suddenly he told me it hurt

when he took a breath…I listened to his chest and didn't hear anything out of the ordinary…I thought it was anxiety which is not unusual…then I noticed cyanosis…his lips were turning blue…before you could say 'pulmonary embolism' the artery burst. It was like being in an accident where everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I was hit in the face with his blood and the force of the it knocked me into the next table. BJ grabbed me before I could do heart massage and yelled that Owens was gone."

"How did that feel?"

"It felt like...like…everything stopped…like I'd been run over by a tank only the tank stopped on top of me. I vaguely remember Beej and Margaret trying to talk to me…everything was red…the walls, the floor…our clothes…the next thing I remember is being in the shower with BJ sponging me down….I don't remember how I got there.

"You were covered with the guy's blood?" said Sidney. "That must have been horrible for you."

"'Horrible doesn't begin to cover it, Sidney."

"So the next thing you remember is that you're in the shower with BJ."

"Yes and then Colonel Potter came in and talked to me…telling me that I wasn't responsible for the boy's death."

"And you don't believe that? You think Corporal Owens' death is your fault?"

"Yes. Sidney I sent this kid back to the front twice."

"Hawkeye, you work for the army. There are certain criteria a wounded soldier has to meet before he is discharged. As much as you don't like it, that's called doing your job, following orders…"

"In a war there are certain rules. Rule number one is that young men die and rule number two is that doctors can't change rule number one," said Hawkeye in a near monotone.

"Exactly…"

"Henry Blake told me that…and then Colonel Potter said almost the same thing that day in the shower…"

"I couldn't have said it any better," said Sidney.

"That _stinks,_ Sidney," Hawkeye's voice was ragged.

"Yes it does." The psychiatrist continued. "Hawk, I think there's a part of you that knows you couldn't have saved that boy and you aren't responsible for his death. Why do you want to blame yourself? What purpose does that serve?"

Tears ran down Hawkeye's cheeks, "I don't know how much more of this I can stand, Sidney." He wiped away the tears as if he was trying to blot out the horror of what had happened.

"May I suggest that you are too hard on yourself. Quit beating yourself up…Hawkeye, you're a brilliant surgeon…but you aren't infallible. None of us are. Blaming yourself doesn't help anyone."

"I keep replaying the scene over and over in my head, Sidney…I see that sweet kid's face…and I…I…think what could I have done differently…."

"And what could you have done, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye glared at Sidney for a moment, resenting him for daring to ask that question. He became thoughtful, remembering Owens, the look of shock on his face when the aneurism burst. It happened in an instant. Hawkeye's anger subsided and his eyes fill with tears. He threw his head back in despair and wailed:

"Nothing! Not a damned thing!" with that Hawkeye broke down and sobbed.

Sidney put his arms around Pierce as if he were a small child, "Let it out, Hawkeye. Let all of that horror out."

They sat that way for a long time until there weren't any tears left. Hawkeye finally pulled away and smiled at the psychiatrist. He was more than just a shrink, he was Hawkeye's friend who'd been there for him more than once.

"Thank you, Sidney. I owe you one."

"I'd like to hear you say that in a poker game," said Sidney and the two of them broke out into riotous laughter.

Sidney felt confident that a few more sessions and some R&R were all that Pierce needed. Hawkeye was a fighter. He was also a man of great caring and compassion. He didn't take losing a patient to death lightly. The incident with Corporal Owens would have been traumatic for anyone. Sidney's sense was that Hawkeye probably wasn't the only one who could use his services. He'd make sure he talked to the others who had witnessed the death.

This war was taking a heavy toll on Hawkeye, but Sidney felt that in the end he would still be standing.

He would put his recommendations in his report to Colonel Potter.

Sidney looked up from his notes and said,

"So tell me, Pierce, what are these rumors I'm hearing about you and Major Houlihan?"

Chapter 9 – "Dear Dad"

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to answer your last letter. I've been a little under the weather lately.

And speaking of the weather, I think you asked about the weather here. Currently it's early summer here in Uijongbu . Already the weather is turning pretty warm, after that warm will give way to hot and sticky.

I'm glad to hear that you've recovered from your surgery. As I said before, please don't keep those kinds of things from me, Dad. You gave me quite a scare. You're all the family I have…

The word around here is that some progress is being made in Panmunjom at the Peace Talks. There's certainly been a lot of 'progress' on the battlefield, too. Both sides are managing to find better and more efficient ways to mutilate the human body. It's appalling.

Bear with me, Dad, this could be a long one.

A few weeks ago I had a few dates with a new nurse. Of course that's not really news coming from me. This particular nurse went out for a stroll in the middle of the night after our last date. Unfortunately she strolled through the minefield…I guess in the dark she didn't see the warning sign and she was still pretty new to the unit. There's something quite sobering about being with a person one night only to wake up the next morning to find that her remains have been blown all over Uijongbu.

She was a shy lady and since I'd been about the only person in camp who 'knew' her I volunteered to deliver the eulogy at the memorial service we had for her.

Dad, it turned out to be more than I bargained for. I talked to the nurses in her tent and it turns out they knew less about her than I did. I tried to pass the eulogy buck back to Father Mulcahy. That's when he gave me Millie's diary. I don't think I'd mentioned her name before…Millie Carpenter.

Reading her diary triggered an epiphany for me. She was in love with me and I had no idea. I don't remember her letting on…but if she had I doubt that I would have noticed. I looked at my reflection in the pages of that diary and I didn't like what I saw. Hawkeye Pierce can be a real jerk.

I've resolved to be more honest with people and let them know when I care. Beej thinks I'm overreacting. In any case I haven't had a real date in a few weeks. I have danced with Margaret Houlihan, the major I've told you about, at the officer's club. She's the one that I wrote to you about a couple of years ago and said that I'd make a pass at her but I couldn't figure out how to do that and salute at the same time. She's changed a lot since then, I'm happy to say. I would really like our relationship to be more but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. She's been hurt, too and I think she deserves better than me. There is also the fact that she outranks me, not that I care about that, but I know it's always been important to her. I think I did tell you about her marriage to and divorce from that Penobscott clown.

I'll say it again, Dad, I love you. You've always been my hero. You're the reason that all I ever wanted to be was a doctor. You've shown me through your example.

Okay, if I know my dad like I think I do, you're still wondering what I meant at the beginning of my letter by "under the weather." I don't have a cold or flu, but it would be a lot easier if that's all it was.

The truth is I've been under the weather emotionally due to something that happened in surgery the week after Millie died.

You know I really thought I'd desensitized myself to the atrocities in this place. By that I mean that I could look on a GI who'd been severely wounded without losing my lunch or falling apart.

This one really got to me.

We'd been in surgery for 12 hours, which is a normal day for us at "Carnage Hall" We were ready to call it a day and head for the showers when we heard choppers. It turned out to be one chopper with two chest cases. Charles and I were elected to operate on them. Two chest cutters, no waiting.

My patient was a young corporal who'd been on my table twice before. We see a lot of repeat customers here. Their wounds aren't severe enough to send them home so we send them back to the front so they can get shot at some more. This kid reminded me a lot of Radar, innocent and naive. What you noticed first about him was his red hair and freckles. You'd expect to find him in the malt shop with a Bobby Soxer named Becky, not on the battlefield playing soldier.

The kid…Howard Owens was his name…his wounds didn't appear to me to be life threatening. He had quite a bit of shrapnel, though. (I'd say 'you know what I mean' but I doubt that you see many shrapnel wounds in Maine.)

So I'm talking to Howard before putting him under…you know the drill…help them to relax…in mid sentence he starts gasping and saying that it hurts when he breathes…so I listen to his chest and it sounds normal to me, equal and bilateral. I think panic…I assure him everything will be all right until I notice cyanosis in his lips.

Before Beej could get the mask on his face to put him under the kid's eyes roll back and his chest comes up off the table and the pulmonary artery bursts! Dad, I've never seen anything like it. It was a geyser! The force of it knocked me to the floor. You know the expression 'seeing red?' The room was red, blood spattered everywhere…I caught most of it in the face. I can only imagine what I must have looked like, judging from Beej and Margaret's appearances.

I blanked out for a while after that… I must have because the next thing I remember is being in the shower with Beej sponging me down, a humbling experience at best. It might have been more fun if it had been Margaret instead of BJ. All kidding aside, and there isn't much to joke about here, it was rough.

Dad, I felt like I'd killed that kid myself, I mean I sent him back to the front twice. That night I had too much to drink at the officer's club and lost control of myself. After everyone left I picked up a chair and broke everything I came in contact with. I don't think it made me feel any better, in fact with all the flying glass I gave myself a nasty cut over my right eye.

Colonel Potter could have thrown the book at me, but he didn't. Instead he called in Sidney Freedman, the psychiatrist I've told you about. When he's not "couch side" he's one hell of a poker player. We've had a few sessions and I guess I can see that I'm not responsible for Owens' death. Some days I'm more convinced than others. I hope one day to stop having nightmares about it.

I'm sorry this is such a graphic letter, Dad, but you've always said that you wanted to know everything that was going on in my life. ( Andy Hardy couldn't ask for a better dad.)

I did get a 3 day pass to Tokyo out of the deal. Sidney told Potter that I needed some R&R.

On the lighter side and anything would be on the lighter side. The MP's brought in a young Korean woman in cuffs not too long ago. She was accused of trying to kill soldiers but it turns out that she's been separated from her family and was trying to find them. I'm not sure what she was doing with a gun. Our former belle of the ball, Klinger has taken Miss Soon Lee Han under his wing. She is cute as a button, big brown eyes and dimples that rival Shirley Temple. Who knows where this will go.

Everyone's getting excited with the coming of the 4th of July. There's a picnic planned on the beach in Inchon. I'm looking forward to it. It's been way too long since I've been to a beach…a lifetime ago. I miss you, Dad. Perhaps there really is an end in sight to this war.

Well, I have to end this letter now, Dad. Beej has just finished his letter to Peg and would like to go to sleep.

Love,  
Your slightly unhinged son,  
Hawkeye

Chapter 10 – In Anticipation of Sand and Sun

"What's the best time you ever had at a beach for you, Beej?" asked Hawkeye as he threw another bloody piece of shrapnel in the metal pan.

"Watching Peg in that green swimsuit she wears," said BJ with faraway look in his eyes. "The last time I was at the beach was the first time we took Erin to the beach. She was barely a month old. Peg and I decided that if she was going to be a California girl we needed to introduce her to the water. I held that tiny little piece of humanity in my arms and we went into the water. She had been fussing but as soon as we got in the water she quieted down. Just like that! It made me feel like a conquering hero. There's nothing to compare to that feeling. How 'bout you, Hawk?"

"Kellye, more sponges," Margaret called out.

"I think the best time I had at the beach was the summer before I came over here. It was the annual Crabapple Cove Lobster Fest. It was two days of gorging on the juiciest lobsters….yum yum!" Hawkeye's voice was almost a growl. "And there's nothing like swimming in the ocean. People who only swim in pools have no idea what they're missing."

BJ found it a bit odd that Hawkeye's description didn't include a story of some sexy bathing beauty, but said nothing about it.

"I have to agree with that one, Hawk. There's nothing like it. How about you, Margaret? What was your favorite time at a beach?"

Margaret thought for moment, "I think it was when I was a little girl…I was about six, I think. Daddy had a 2 week leave and we went as a family to the Pebble Beach in Monterey CA. That's when we were living at Fort Ord. We splashed in the water. I can't remember any other time my dad actually playing with my sister and me. He and Mom were so happy during those two weeks."

As Hawkeye listened he tried to imagine "Howitzer Al" Houlihan actually loosening up enough to have fun on the beach with a little girl. He decided it was beyond his imagination.

"How about you, Colonel? It's you're turn to share," said Hawkeye.

Colonel Potter looked up from his patient, "Ah that's an easy one. That would have to have been on my honeymoon with Mrs. Potter. She was quite a looker in those days….long legs…full…um….never mind…we went to Hawaii. Mildred's parents gave us the money to have a real honeymoon. What a girl…her hair was so golden in the sun. I do miss that gal of mine. Winchester we haven't heard from you."

"I can't say that I had any good times at the beach. I don't care much for water and I don't like to get sand in my shoes."

"Does this mean that you're not going to the beach at Inchon with us, Charles?" asked BJ. "It won't be the same without you."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Hunnicutt but I think we'll all be happier if I don't go," said Charles.

"Surely you don't want to miss the sun and sand, Major," questioned Father Mulcahy.

"'Surely' I do, Father," said Charles. "Each of us finds pleasure in our own ways. While you are all away playing at the beach I shall be enjoying Rachmaninov, Tchaikovsky, Bach and Mozart without interruptions. I look forward to that as much as all of you are looking forward to the picnic on the beach."

"Swimming is one of the most relaxing activities I know. I must say that I'm looking forward to time of fun in the sun. My sister and I used to love to build sand castles on the beach when we were children. I didn't like it though when she kicked sand in my face." Father Mulcahy rolled his eyes at the memory.

Hawkeye laughed at the mental image. "I guess you weren't born wearing a white collar, huh Father. So what did you do when she kicked the sand in your face?"

"Why do you think I took up boxing?" the priest replied with a sly smile.

They all laughed.

Margaret looked over at Hawkeye who was digging the last piece of shrapnel out of his patient. Over the past few weeks there had been a subtle change in him. He still joked and laughed but seemed quieter, more thoughtful. He didn't drink nearly as much as he had before. He didn't seem to have the same arrogance about surgery. He was even more careful with his surgery. It wasn't that he had slowed down, he just seemed more…cautious, that was the word she was groping for. The most noticeable change was that he'd quit chasing her nurses. BJ said he'd even thrown away his nudist magazines.

* * *

" A short session," mused BJ, "only 8 hours."

"Practically banker's hours," said Hawkeye. " I don't know too many bankers who specialize in meatball surgery though." He yawned.

"Ha! I don't know of many _doctors_ that do, either," Charles sneered. He'd gotten a letter from home that had upset him and all he wanted was to be left alone. A position had opened at Boston Mercy but he was over here in this Korean hell hole so the position would go to someone else. "Gentleman, and lady," he acknowledged Margaret with a nod. "If you'll excuse me, I'm not in the mood for inane chit chat…good night."

The doctors and Margaret sat in the scrub room, tired from the last shift.

"There's talk that this butchery is coming to an end soon," said Colonel Potter. "I'm looking forward to barbecuing steaks on my grill in Hannibal MO. A steak sure sounds good."

"Maybe we could get Klinger to scrounge some steaks up for the picnic on the beach," said Hawkeye. "The thought of a good steak makes my taste buds sit up and beg."

"I don't know Pierce, that's a pretty tall order. You're liable to end up with horse chops," said Potter. "That would break my heart. I think you boys should know that I won't be joining you at the beach."

"Ah, Colonel," whined BJ. "How can we have a 4077 picnic without our CO?"

"Someone has to stay here and mind the fort," replied the tired colonel. "Winchester and I will be here in case there are wounded. Maybe we'll all get together next year in the states for a big wingding."

"You really think this holocaust is going to end? You think there's something to all the rumors," asked Hawkeye.

"It's gotta end sometime, Pierce…." Potter sighed. "It will for me in a few months anyway."

"That's right," said Margaret, "Your retirement is coming up soon."

"Well, I suggest that we all retire to the swamp for a sip of 'Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice Juice.'" Hawkeye smiled at the colonel who had coined the name for his wicked homemade brew. "It ain't tasty, but it's free."

"Count me out," said Father Mulcahy "Tomorrow is Sunday and I have a sermon to prepare. Someone might decide to come to the service and I want to be prepared. Good night all."

"Good night, Padre," said the CO

BJ, Hawkeye, Colonel Potter, and Margaret headed for the Swamp.

"Anyone seen Klinger?" asked BJ

"I suspect he's somewhere with his little Korean filly. She's a sweet one…hey, you don't suppose…after all he did to try and get out of this place…? Nah, that's too much of a stretch, but love can do some crazy things to a man," said Potter.

The four of them had reached the Swamp, laughing at the possibility of Maxwell Q. Klinger, former Section Eight wannabee staying in Korea for any reason.

Charles sat listening to a record, sipping a glass of brandy and was noticeable irritated to see that he was going to have company.

"Hi, honey, we're home," said Hawkeye with an ingratiating grin.

"Huh! I think this is a wonderful time to take a walk," said Charles. "Gentlemen…Margaret."

"What's eating Dr. Hoity Toity?" asked Margaret.

"He does seem to have his skivvies in a knot," observed Colonel Potter.

BJ and Hawkeye filled four glasses from the still and passed them around. Hawkeye raised his glass. "Here's to fun in the sun on the beach at In-_chun_." And he giggled. "I'm a poet."

"Here here," said BJ in agreement.

"I think I'd rather read Elizabeth Barret Browning," said Margaret.

Hawkeye took a sip and gasped, "Good batch."

"This morning, a vintage hour," smiled BJ, "filtered through the finest of army socks."

"Accchhh! If they've been on your gunboats that's a heavy filter," said Hawkeye. "I hope you at least washed them first."

"Ugh," sputtered Margaret. "I think I've had enough of this rat poison. I need to get to bed, I've got the morning shift in Post-Op. Good night, all."

"Good night Margaret," said Potter.

"Sweet dreams," said BJ.

"Madame, may I walk you home?" asked Hawkeye. "You never know what beasts may be lurking out in the wilds of Uijongbu"

"Please," she smiled taking his arm.

"If you'll excuse us, gentlemen. If I'm not back in ten minutes…"

"Oh come on, Captain," said Margaret giving his arm a yank.

* * *

Hawkeye and Margaret walked slowly arm in arm. Neither were in a hurry to end the evening.

"_The moon and you are dear to meeee_…." Crooned Hawkeye as they walked. "_So near and yet so far from meee."_

"How are you doing, Hawkeye… really?"

Hawkeye stopped singing to answer, "I'm in fine fettle, Margaret. The fettle-ist. Why do you ask?"

"You just seem…quieter lately."

He didn't reply right away. He thought at first to make a wise crack but it just didn't seem like the right thing to do. Since the death of Millie Carpenter and the dramatic death of Corporal Owens, he'd stopped to take stock of his life. Dr. Freedman had recommended some R& R for him so he'd spent a few days in Tokyo. Instead of going on a drinking binge and chasing women as he would have done in the past he'd spent time seeing the sites, the Japanese gardens and beautiful buildings. He felt like he was seeing some things for the first time.

"Hawkeye…?" She searched his face. His eyes were faraway and she desperately wanted to know where he'd gone.

"Oh, yeah…quieter…I suppose I have been." He said slowly coming back to the present. "I've just needed some time to…think."

Margaret decided that this probably wasn't a good time to push him. She said, "This 4th of July picnic has already done a lot for the morale around here, hasn't it?"

"Yeah it has. I hope we don't have an influx of wounded to spoil the party. Margaret, um…I know I'm a lowly captain and you're a major…but would you consider…I mean…at the picnic…."

She smiled. The lothario of the 4077 stood before her stammering like a shy school boy asking if he could carry her books home.

"I'd love to be your 'date,' Hawkeye."

He put his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. She returned the embrace, feeling safe in his arms as she had the last time they'd danced in officer's club.

"Thanks, Margaret."

* * *

He was on the beach in Crabapple Cove. The moon was a gleaming white ball above the water in the night sky. He walked along the shore, enjoying the sea breeze. He saw her standing a few feet away from him, her golden hair reflecting the moonlight. He held out his arms to her and she ran to him, laughing. He enfolded his arms around her, feeling her warmth and smelling her sweet perfume. He pulled back to look into her ice blue eyes, but instead he found himself looking into the frightened eyes of a red haired boy with blue lips. "Dr. Pierce, I-I can't b-breathe…"

"Hawkeye! Hawkeye, wake up, it's only a dream!"

Chapter 11 – The Letter

Hawkeye woke to see that BJ was sitting next to him on the bunk. He sat up, rubbing his eyes with trembling hands. He could feel rivulets of cold sweat running down his back.

"Beej, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" he asked, still reeling from his nightmare.

"You probably woke the entire camp!" moaned Charles from his bunk.

BJ gave Charles a sidelong glance. "Go back to sleep, Chuckles."

"If you two will keep it quiet I will be more than happy to oblige, Hunnicutt. I have to be up early because I have the dubious honor of being Officer of the Day this morning. So if you don't mind…good night!" snarled Charles, putting the pillow over his bald head.

"I keep seeing his face," said Hawkeye. "Beej, when does it end?"

"I wish I had an answer for you."

"I wish you did, too," said Hawkeye. He sat up, put his robe and boots on and then stood, preparing to leave the tent. "I can't sleep now. I'm going for a walk."

"Hawk its two thirty in the morning, "BJ tried to reason with him. "Why don't you just have another nightcap and go back to bed?"

"Good idea," said Hawkeye with a smile. He filled a martini glass from the still and left.

BJ shook his head, rolled his eyes and said, "Glad I could help."

* * *

Hawkeye walked the perimeter of the sleeping camp, sipping from his glass as he went. He had cut back considerably on his alcohol intake since the night he'd tried to destroy the officer's club. He was comforted to know that the club had been put back in order. For Klinger it was a matter of a few calls, a little wheeling and dealing and he'd replaced the furniture, the glasses and the liquor. For a week or two, though, they were drinking scotch out of tin cups from army mess kits.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

"Rizzo, you can knock off the soldier, routine," said Hawkeye.

"Hi there, Cap'n Pierce, nice night ain't it? Why, if ah was back in Looziyanna I'd be out fishin' on a night like this. That's a fact."

"Rumor has it you might be home fishing by fall."

"So I hear, Cap'n. Think there's any truth to them rumors about the peace talks and all?"

"I hope so."

"How long has it been since you was home, Cap'n?"

"Almost three years," said Hawkeye sadly.

"Hey, was you plannin' to go to that picnic next week?"

"Yes, I am. I wouldn't miss a trip to a beach for anything. Of course I'd prefer it to be a beach on the coast of Maine. Are you going?"

"Me? I wouldn't miss it for all the frogs in the Mississippi! I cain't wait to see some of them nurses in bathing suits. Know what I mean?" he nudged Hawkeye in the ribs. "I'm bettin' that Major Houlihan is somethin' sweet in a bathin' suit." He winked at Hawkeye 'knowingly.'

"Uh huh…yeah," Hawkeye began to feel uncomfortable. "I'm sure you're right. I'm on my way to other corners of the camp. Carry on, Sergeant."

Rizzo saluted Hawkeye. Hawkeye gave Rizzo a small wave and a grin in return and resumed his walk.

* * *

Colonel Potter had been awakened by Hawkeye's outcry. He now sat quietly pondering whether or not there was anything he should do. He didn't know if he should go over to the swamp and check things out or leave it be. It had gotten pretty quiet so he figured that Hunnicutt had it under control.

He hated to see his chief surgeon going through this ordeal. He knew that it was something that could follow him for years, possibly haunting him the rest of his life. Hopefully, he thought, time would ease the pain for Hawkeye.

"Buffalo Bagels!" He muttered. "I'm wide awake now." He turned on the light and picked up the Zane Grey novel he was currently reading.

* * *

"If you're headed for the latrine, your going in the wrong direction."

Hawkeye turned around with a start to find Margaret standing outside the door of her tent.

"Um..no," he said. "I was just out for a midnight stroll."

"So I see," she said, eyeing his martini glass.

"Care of a sip?" he asked with a grin.

"No thanks. My liver has a limited warranty."

"Cute, Margaret, very cute."

"Another bad dream, Hawkeye?"

"You heard me," he said, wondering how many others' sleep he'd managed to disturb.

"Yes," she whispered. "Is there anything I can do?"

He shook his head, tears in his eyes. With his spare hand he took her hand. He unconsciously began to massage her fingers.

He said, "I keep dreaming about him…Owens. I see his face…it's always the same, he can't breathe and then he…" Hawkeye stopped. He sighed and looked up at the sky as if he were searching for solace in the clouds.

Margaret hated to see Hawkeye having such a difficult time. He'd always been the camp morale booster, with his practical jokes and sharp wit. It seemed he could almost always come up with something to make this place bearable.

She shuddered. At that moment she felt cold and alone.

Hawkeye turned back to took at her and said, "I'm sorry I woke you. I know you have to be in Post Op in just a few hours." He put his arm around her shoulder and gulped the remaining contents of his glass, coughing slightly. "Good batch!"

Margaret leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

* * *

BJ opened his eyes slowly, taking in the mid morning light. He saw Hawkeye sleeping soundly on his cot.

BJ's throbbing head begged for coffee so he got up as quietly as he could. He was dressed and opened the door to head for the mess tent when Hawkeye stirred and opened one eye.

"Beej? What time is it?"

"Why? Do you have to be somewhere? Why don't you roll over and go back to sleep?"

"No, that's okay. I'm awake. Wait I'll go with you…you headed for the mess tent?"

"Yeah."

* * *

"Good morning, Pierce. Did you finally get some sleep," asked the colonel. He knew the answer by looking at Hawkeye's appearance. His hair was uncombed and his face looked like he hadn't shaved for a couple of days. His eyes looked like it had been even longer since he'd had a decent night's sleep.

"I'm just fine, Colonel. Can't you tell I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed…or is that bushy eyed and bright tailed…or something…" Hawkeye took a sip of coffee and laid his head on the table.

BJ came to the table with two trays of food. "Here, Hawk, you might feel better if you had a good breakfast."

"Yeah I would. Let me call my dad and have him send me one." He pushed the tray aside and put his head back on the table.

"Mail Call!" Sergeant Klinger came through the door of the mess tent wearing a big smile. Soon-Lee was close beside him. He flipped through a pile of letters.

"Colonel Potter, a letter from Hannibal, MO. Feels like a thick one, Sir."

"Hmm… I wonder what the missus is sending me now. I think I'd better open this one in my tent," said the colonel with a wink.

"Here's two from Mill Valley, Californ-eye-aye. Unless I miss my guess, they would be for Captain Hunnicutt. And here's a package for the Captain as well."

"Mmmm," BJ sniffed the package. "Smells like Peg's 80 proof rum balls. I think we should save these for the picnic."

Hawkeye grinned and said, "Ah yes, the cookies with a buzz in every bite."

"Father John Francis Patrick Mulcahy, a letter from one Sister Angelica."

"My sister the sister," smiled the priest. "How I miss her."

"I guess it's been a long time since she kicked sand in your face, huh Father," said BJ. Father Mulcahy smiled and nodded.

"I haven't had to take the gloves to her for many years. And if I tried that now she might just slam dunk me. She's quite the basketball player you know."

"And here's a letter for Captain BF Pierce from Muskogee, Oklahoma. I think that does it for this group. Shall we make our appointed rounds, my dear, Soon Lee." He beamed at the pretty Korean girl by his side.

"Oh, Max you are funny man. You make me laugh," she giggled.

Hawkeye looked at the return address on his letter. Who did he know in Muskogee? He'd never been there in his life. He turned the letter over to see if there were any clues on the back flap. A gold label read : "_Mr. and Mrs. Howard C. Owens_." His face paled as he read the name.

"Is something wrong, son?" asked the colonel.

"I don't know. This is a letter from a Mr. and Mrs. Howard C. Owens. My guess is that it's from Corporal Owens' parents. His name was 'Howard W'."

"Well, don't just sit there. Read it," urged the CO.

"If it's trouble, you've got us here for moral support, Hawkeye," said Father Mulcahy.

Hawkeye smiled across the table at the priest. He was grateful for his kind words. Hawkeye's hands trembled somewhat as he opened the letter. BJ gave his shoulder a squeeze. He unfolded the letter and read:

"Dear Captain Pierce,

It has been a month now since the death of our son, Howard. As you can well imagine, his loss was a shock and our grief is immense.

We received a very sweet letter from your chaplain, Father Mulcahy. Although we, ourselves aren't Catholic, we appreciated that he took the time to write to us. He sounds like a very nice man.

Howard wrote as often as he could. He was a good boy. We are very proud of him. He fought bravely for his country."

BJ lowered his eyes and wiped away a tear. He remembered Howard confiding in him about how afraid he was and that he didn't want to go back to the front. BJ had told him that he was "coming down with mental health."

"He didn't really tell us very much about the war. I think he didn't want us to be worried. I worried about him all the time, anyway. That's what mothers do, you know.

The reason that I'm writing is because, in his letter, Father Mulcahy told us that you blamed yourself for our son's death. He told us that you had operated on Howard twice before his final injury and felt bad that you had sent him back to the front. He told us what a fine surgeon you are and how you grieve the loss of each boy that you can't save. According to him, you save a lot more boys than you lose.

The father said he was there at the end and that Howard went very quickly and that there wasn't much that anyone could have done for him.

We will always miss our little boy.

Captain Pierce, we don't hold you responsible. Boys die in wars, it's a fact of life. It's hard for us to accept that, but I know it's true. Howard's uncle, my baby brother, James, died during WWII.

My husband and I are praying that you will find peace within yourself. You have our undying gratitude for everything that you did.

Sincerely,  
Mrs. Myrna Jean Owens"

Chapter 12 – Letting Howard Go

"What a beautiful letter," said Margaret, her eyes welling up with tears.

Margaret, Charles, Hawkeye, BJ, Father Mulcahy , Klinger and Soon Lee took up two tables in the officer's club. The club was crowded that night. Spirits were high as there was more talk about the war ending and everyone was looking forward to the trip to the beach.

Hawkeye had read Mrs. Owens' letter several times that day. Tonight was the first time he'd had a chance to share it with Margaret, Charles and Klinger.

Charles looked Hawkeye in the eye and said, "What a gracious lady. I hope you can accept what she says and forgive yourself, Pierce."

Hawkeye smiled at Charles and raised his glass. "Cheers, Charles."

"Amen," said Father Mulcahy in agreement.

"Thank you, Father, for writing that letter to them. And thank you for sparing them the gory details," said Hawkeye. "You're a man of true discretion."

"Here! Here!" said the colonel. "To Father Mulcahy."

Everyone in the club chimed in. Father Mulcahy smiled humbly and raised his glass and said, "To all of you, the family of the 4077."

"To us!" said Klinger. "You're all the best."

"The finest kind," said Hawkeye, still smiling at the priest.

"I was really just doing my job, Hawkeye. Offering comfort and hope are all in a day's work."

"And you do it well, Padre," said the colonel. "Pierce is right. No parent should have to know that their child died in such a bizarre way. You have the gift of the golden pen."

A peppy Glen Miller tune played on the juke box. Hawkeye stood up and offered his hand to Margaret. "Might I interest you in a lindy, my dear Margaret?"

"If you think you can keep up," she answered with a wide grin.

The two hit the dance floor. They didn't talk much as the dance was pretty upbeat. Margaret was light on her feet. They made a great looking couple on the dance floor, BJ thought. He shook the quarters in his hand.

"Those two can really cut a rug together, can't they?" said the colonel.

"It's good to see our Hawkeye laughing and having a good time," said the priest. Everyone at the table agreed.

The next tune was a ballad thanks to BJ. As the music slowed Hawkeye and Margaret remained on the dance floor for a few steps.

"Margaret can we go somewhere and talk?" Hawkeye whispered in her ear.

"Sure, we can go to my tent," she answered.

The two made their way to the door, holding hands. Colonel Potter leaned over to BJ and said, "Hunnicutt, I don't think you're going to need those quarters tonight."

* * *

"May I buy you a drink, sailor?" asked Margaret who was a bit tipsy already.

"Sailor?" asked Hawkeye.

"Well, you're sure no soldier," she replied and they both laughed hysterically.

Hawkeye grew thoughtful, "I'll never forget him. I wish there was more I could have done. I'm so sorry …"

Margaret put her finger to his lips, "Don't, Hawkeye, please. Give yourself a break. Haven't you knocked yourself around enough?." She kissed her finger and lightly touched the scar over his eye.

Margaret poured them each a glass of scotch. "Was there something special you wanted to talk about Hawkeye?"

"I um…I…" He reached out and took her hand. He pulled her close and gently kissed her on the lips. "Thank you for sticking by me."

Margaret put her arms around his neck and lay her head on his chest. "You're welcome."

_"Attention all personnel: The perfect ending to the perfect evening…Sorry folks…We have company." _

"Wounded," whispered Margaret.

"Hawkeye looked at Margaret and said, "Hold that thought."

* * *

Day followed night at the 4077. The doctors and nurses had spent several grueling hours in surgery the night before. It was now late afternoon the following day. Magaret and Hawkeye had Post Op duty.

Hawkeye was checking sutures on a leg wound. "Hey, Johnson. That's some pretty decent embroidery I did on you last night. You should be out dancing with your sweetheart in no time."

The next patient on his rounds was a young man named Sergeant Seth Willis. He'd been wounded seriously, so seriously in fact that Hawkeye knew he wouldn't pull through. The damages were too extensive.

"The best we can do is try to keep him comfortable until the end," he told Margaret. "It shouldn't be too long. I give him a few hours at the least, a couple of days at the most."

She hated hearing that. They were all so young. They should have long lives ahead of them, wives, children…grandchildren. She sighed when Hawkeye gave her the news.

"I'll sit with him for a while," she said.

Hawkeye watched her as she went over and took Sergeant Willis' hand. The man opened his eyes that glistened from a high fever.

"Hi there gorgeous. I m-must be in heaven already," he said with great effort.

Margaret smiled, trying to look as cheerful as possible. This was the part of being a nurse that she hated the most. She became a nurse to help people get well, not to sit by helplessly while they died.

"That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard," she said.

"If you don't like that one I have more…" he coughed and closed his eyes.

Hawkeye stopped and watched Margaret with Willis. He'd finished his rounds and now he sat at the desk filling out patient status reports. He thought of something she had yelled at him in the officer's club that awful night; "_when was the last time you sat by the bed of a dying boy and held his hand?" _She was right, he thought. He could be an 'arrogant bastard' as she'd put it. It was easier for him, as a doctor to detach from the patients, at least most of the time. He sighed as he remembered Corporal Owens.

He walked over to where Margaret sat and pulled up a chair.

"Mind if I join this party," he asked.

She looked a little surprised and said, "Of course, there's always room for one

more. Are you finished with your rounds, Doctor?"

Sergeant Willis moaned and opened his eyes again. "Hello, Doctor. I hope you don't mind, but w-when I get out of this bed I'm g-g-going to take this lovely lady away from h-here."

"It's okay, Willis. I have to say that I admire your taste in women," he said.

"Doc, I'm not going to m-make it a-am I?"

Hawkeye looked away.

Margaret took Willis' hand in hers. Willis turned to her and smiled. "I-I knew s-she wouldn't be able to resist m-me. A-all the beautif-ful dames…" he coughed and fought for breath.

"Why don't you rest, Sergeant," she urged.

"N-no…t-there's s-something I-I need to s-say b-before I go. W-will you d-do something for me. I-I have a b-brother I haven't s-seen in a l-long time. A-and my p-parents…P-please w-write and t-tell them I l-loved them. I-I d-don't want to d-die w-without letting them know."

"Willis, consider it done," said Hawkeye patting the young man on the shoulder.

"Th-thanks, doc," he said faintly and then he was gone.

Margaret gently put his hand under the cover, closed his eyes and pulled the sheet over Willis' head. She bit her lip and Hawkeye pulled her to him. She leaned her head on his shoulder and cried softly.

Hawkeye said in low voice, "I see what you mean, Margaret."

Margaret called a corpsman to take the body and then told Nurse Able to take care of cleaning the bed linens. Life went on and so did the work that had to be done.

Hawkeye went back to his desk. What he had just witnessed touched him deeply and made him think. It wasn't just the fact that he'd actually sat by and spent time with a dying patient. It was something Willis had said. "I don't want to die without letting them know…" He thought back to Millie Carpenter's memorial…he'd told his friends that he cared but it wasn't enough, he hadn't been specific. He had an idea.

Chapter 13 – Where There's a Will There's Warmth

"Klinger, do you have any idea what this is about," asked BJ opening a note that the other man had just delivered. It was from Hawkeye, inviting him to the swamp that night for a meeting. This was odd since BJ already lived in the swamp. The note read:

"You are cordially invited to  
Spend an evening with  
Benjamin Franklin Pierce  
In the Still of the Night  
At 7 o'clock PM  
In the Swamp"

Klinger replied, "I got one, too and so did the colonel, Major Houlihan, Father Mulcahy and Major Winchester. Isn't this strangely familiar? It's like the time that the colonel had us to his tent to say farewell to his old friend. Captain Pierce hasn't lost someone has he?"

"Not that I know of," replied BJ. "He isn't sick or I think I would know. I guess we'll just have to find out in a couple of hours."

"Pierce, this better not be one of your bone-headed practical jokes," said Colonel Potter. "I can tell you right now I'm not in the mood for it."

"Not to worry," replied Hawkeye. "I assure you this is totally on the up and up. In fact I borrowed the idea for this little party from you."

Everyone found a place to sit. Margaret noticed that the tent seemed neat for a change. That was odd for Hawkeye and BJ. She'd often wondered if BJ was as much of a slob at home as he was here. If so she wondered how Peg put up with it.

Hawkeye saw Margaret looking around and said, "Yes, Major, I did do some housecleaning this afternoon. Let it not be said that Hawkeye Pierce is a total slob, only a partial slob."

He pulled an envelope and a folded piece of paper out of his footlocker. He said, "A patient in Post Op yesterday afternoon reminded me of how often we live with people and never tell them how much they mean to us. I know I said some things at Millie's memorial but there's more I want you to know. Before you is my last will and testament." He looked around at the astonished faces. "No I'm not dying that I know of but we might be going home soon and I didn't want to leave without sharing these things. This will's not legally binding. I wrote it a few months back when I went to the aid station. We were being shelled with some pretty heavy artillery and I was scared that I was going to that great OR in the sky."

Hawkeye proceeded with great flourish:

"_I, Benjamin Franklin Pierce, being of sound mind and endangered body, hereby decree this to be my last will and testament. _

I bequeath my father all my worldly possessions, with the exception of the following. To Charles Emerson Winchester the Third…"

Charles looked at Hawkeye with a bit of surprise. Hawkeye's eyes twinkled as he grinned at the other doctor and continued,

"During the dark days of the war you made yourself available. You've been the victim of a ceaseless stream of dumb jokes. Though we may have wounded your pride, you've never lost your dignity. I therefore bequeath to you the most dignified thing I own: my bathrobe. Purple is the color of royalty."

A giggle went around the room. The idea of Charles wearing Hawkeye's ratty old bathrobe was an amusing picture. Charles grinned, remembering a few of the jokes that his roommates had pulled on him. He had held his own in retaliation, he thought with great satisfaction.

"Thank you, Pierce. You can wear it for me as long as you're alive.

"To Father Francis Mulcahy, I leave five cents. You're a man of God and I know worldly possessions mean little to you, Father. So I leave you a nickel, along with something I value more highly than anything I own, my everlasting respect."

The priest smiled and said, "Thank you, my son. Hearing you say that means a lot to me."

"To you, Margaret, I leave my treasured Groucho nose and glasses. Maybe it'll remind you of how much I enjoyed that silly side that you show all too infrequently."

"Silly side? Me?" giggled Margaret. "Hand me those glasses." Margaret put on the glasses and said, "What d'ya think?" She took Colonel Potter's cigar, and said, "That's da most ridiculous thing I evah hoid!"

"That's exactly the kind of thing I mean," laughed Pierce. It took a few minutes for their laughter to die down. She removed the toy from her face and grinned.

Hawkeye continued:

"_To Sherman Potter. You always knew what to say, but what not to say. My dad's a lot like that. It makes me miss him a little less knowing that you're around. My dad called me Hawkeye after the Character in The Last of the Mohicans. It's his favorite book. I'd like you to have the copy he gave me."_

Hawkeye handed the colonel the book. "I know I'm not dead, Colonel, but I really want you to have it. I don't think Dad will mind."

Colonel Potter took out his handkerchief and blew his nose. He held the book reverently, knowing how much Hawkeye's dad meant to him, "Thank you, Hawkeye, I will always treasure this."

To Maxwell Q. Klinger You may be one of the all time scroungers, but when it comes right down to it you'll give a friend the shirt off your back. So the least I can do is give you the shirt off mine. And not just any old shirt, but my beloved Hawaiian shirt. I hope you'll wear it even if someday it does go out of style."

"Here here!" said Margaret. "I hate that shirt!"

Hawkeye grinned at man from Toledo. "Sorry, Klinger…and Margaret. I'm not dead and so the shirt will remain in my possession. You may not know this, Max, but I know that you went to a lot of trouble to get that _Life Magazine _with the articles about Maine that you said someone had just 'dumped in your in-box'.

Klinger lowered his eyes and smiled, "Hey that's what friends…no family, is for, Hawkeye."

"That's the end of the will that I wrote. I couldn't think of what I wanted to leave you, Beej. And then I hit on the perfect thing to leave with you. I came back from the aid station and went through the files and looked up the names of every man you'd operated on."

He handed BJ the envelope and said, "There's a note inside to be given to Erin when she's older and can understand. I wanted her to know why her daddy missed the first few years of her life. I think she'll be proud of you, Beej. I know I'm proud to be your friend. You're the best friend I've ever had."

BJ stood and embraced Hawkeye.

Hawkeye started to pour gin from the still into glasses, "I would like to drink a toast to my 4077 family…"

Charles stopped him, saying, "That's all well and good, Pierce, but let's not drink a toast with that alcoholic swill, shall we? I have a bottle of 12 year old brandy that I've been saving for a special occasion. I think this evening qualifies."

Chapter 14 – The Picnic

Hawkeye grinned as he buttoned his favorite Hawaiian shirt. He combed his hair and shaved.

"Hey, Charles can I borrow some of your cologne?" He said to the surgeon who was snoring away in his bunk. "Thank you," said Hawkeye as he opened Charles' footlocker and removed the bottle in question.

BJ smiled at his buddy. He was acting like a little boy this morning. He knew that part of it was that this was a first official 'date' for Hawk and Margaret. BJ found it amusing that, after all the others the two of them had been with, they were acting like two shy teenagers. He was amazed at how cautious his womanizing friend was being. In some ways he seemed much like Radar with a girl. Now there's something he thought he'd never see. He thought there was hope for Pierce yet. He'd always said that he envied what BJ had in the way of home and family. Perhaps he would find that with Margaret Houlihan. Stranger things have happened, he thought as he combed his bushy moustache and donned his favorite straw hat.

"Do you have everything?" Hawkeye asked BJ

"Lemme see," said BJ. "I have a beach ball, my hat, suntan lotion and, oh yes, Peg's 80 proof rum balls."

"Sirs, the bus is about to leave," called Klinger through the tent. He had Soon Lee in tow. She smiled at him and said,

"I not be on picnic before, Max. My family never go to beach."

Max knew how desperate she was to find her parents. He hugged her and said in his 'best' Bogart impression, "You stay with me, sweetheart, and Maxie will show you how it's done."

"You so funny, Max," she giggled.

Hawkeye smiled and said, "I must go pick up my date. See you on the bus, Beej."

"You crazy kid," he laughed at Hawk's eagerness.

* * *

Hawkeye knocked on Margaret's door and let himself in before she could answer.

"Pierce! You are incorrigible! Can't you read!" cried Margaret in mock anger.

"But, Margaret, I knocked."

"I'm all ready to go. You're wearing that shirt. I should've known."

"You just don't know a fashion statement when you see it."

"You're making a statement all right, Captain."

Hawkeye looked at Margaret with approval. She was wearing a flowered shirt tied in a knot at the waist and shorts. She's so beautiful, he thought. He felt like he was the luckiest man alive today.

"Shall we?" He asked, offering her his arm. "Your chariot awaits."

* * *

The bus was packed and ready to roll. Everything they needed for a cookout was there . With the threat of impending peace, they had to remember that they were still in a war zone, so a full range of medical supplies were packed as well.

BJ had found out his very first day in Korea that wounded could be found anywhere anytime. By the time he'd reached the 4077 with Hawkeye and Radar, he'd already taken a young Korean girl to the hospital when she stepped on a landmine right before his eyes. Right after that they were caught in a barrage of artillery fire and had to treat the wounded that only moments before had been standing and talking to them. He recalled how Hawkeye had held his head while he vomited out the horror of what he'd just seen. BJ hoped that this would be one day that wouldn't be marred by the harsh reality of war.

The mood was light and happy as the MASH bus made its way along the road.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…."happy voices sang in a round.

"This is kind of like being at summer camp," said Hawkeye.

"Only at summer camp you don't have to worry about being hit by snipers," said BJ.

Hawkeye nodded in agreement.

"Tell me about the beach at Crabapple Cove," said Margaret.

"It's the most beautiful place on earth," said Hawkeye with a faraway look in his eyes. "The beaches aren't sandy like they are in Florida and California. There are a lot of cliffs and rocks. The wind blows across the ocean and the white capped waves are a sight to behold.

Our house and yard overlooks the ocean from one of the cliffs. My parents used to worry about me playing too close the rocks since they were right in our back yard. In the summer the ocean breeze would keep our house cool and comfortable."

"It sounds like a wonderful place," said Margaret with a sigh.

"Maybe one day I'll have a chance to show you a Crabapple Cove sunrise. I think it must be the most magnificent sight on this earth," he said. In his mind he wondered if he would ever see her again once they left this place. She'd said many times that the army was her life. There weren't many army posts in Maine.

"I don't know about that, Hawk. I've seen some pretty amazing sunsets over the ocean in California," said BJ. "There's nothing like watching a sunset with your best girl on your arm." He had that wistful look in his eye that told his friends he was missing his wife and daughter.

"Look!" Kellye pointed out the window. "There's the beach!"

The bus stopped and the excited members of the 4077 ran out onto the sand.

"Race you to the water, Margaret," called Hawkeye, throwing his favorite shirt to the sand. She ran after him and together they momentarily disappeared beneath the water only to reappear, hugging and laughing hard.

BJ watched his two friends for a time before getting involved in a game of volley ball.

The cook had managed to pack fried chicken and kimchee for the group. Cole slaw wasn't an option this week so that menu would have to do. There were Spam sandwiches for those who didn't care for fried chicken.

Nurses Kellye, Able, Baker and Bigelow sat together eating and talking.

"Things sure have been different without Hawkeye chasing after us," said Baker.

"I haven't decided if I miss it or not," said Able.

Kellye, who had been in OR when Howard Owens died said, "I'm just glad to see him happy and sane after what he's been through. I certainly never expected to see him _that_ chummy with Major Houlihan, though."

Bigelow said, "That's true. Hot Lips Houlihan is not someone I'd ever expect to see Hawkeye with. She's so GI and he's…so…anti army!"

"Yeah, the only thing military about Hawkeye is his dog tags," giggled Baker.

* * *

Hawkeye and Margaret walked along the shore, taking a last look at the water.

"It's beautiful. Just like in a movie," said Margaret.

Hawkeye gazed at her for a moment and said, "Come here."

He leaned over and kissed her. "Thank you for a wonderful day, Major."

"You're welcome, Captain."

* * *

"This is Colonel Potter….Well hello, General Embry, what can I do ya for? Nice weather for this time of year. What? They have?...You're sure of that? _Mule Muffins,_ _hell fire and damnation!_ I've got half my staff coming home through there…I wish I'd known this before now….Thank you for calling General."

Colonel Potter came through the swinging doors, "Winchester! Be prepared for a load of wounded later tonight. General Embry just called and said there's a battalion of Chinese patrolling the road from Inchon. With all the talk of peace the push is on. There's been a lot of sniper fire in that area."

Winchester turned to face Potter, "Colonel isn't that the road our people will be coming home on? Isn't there anything we can do?"

"Sit tight and wait."

Chapter 14 – Sidetracked

"Stop the bus," said BJ. There was a small group refugees running up to the bus begging for a ride. The bus became a little more crowded with people. The refugees were all speaking at the same time in Korean. "Does anyone know what they're saying?" asked BJ

One of the South Korean soldiers who were with them volunteered to translate. "They say that Chinese soldiers move this way…lot of sniper fire. One girl lose her mother. They ask can we take them to place of safety."

"Sure," said Hawkeye, " the more the merrier!"

"Look at the baby, Hawkeye! Isn't he precious?" said Margaret. One of the refugees sitting in the back seat had a young baby boy on her lap. The nurses gathered around the woman and child, oo-ing and ah-ing.

"Never fails," said Hawkeye. "Get a group of perfectly normal adults around a baby and they all start acting like blithering idiots." He bent over the baby and said, "Coochie coochie coo! See what I mean?" He said to Margaret who just smiled and slapped his arm.

They were farther along on the journey back to camp when the bus stopped again. This time they encountered wounded soldiers. Does it ever end, thought Hawkeye. There were two wounded GI's. The seating arrangement changed a second time. The two injured men were moved toward the back of the bus where they could stretch out after a fashion. Hawkeye tended to one and BJ to the other.

"We've got to get them back to the 4077 in a hurry," observed Hawkeye. "Pass that bottle of plasma back here," he called out. "It's going to be hard to get this one stable under these conditions."

"This one has superficial wounds, he'll be okay," said BJ. "Whenever we get a break, the war always intrudes."

"It's a very rude war," said Hawkeye sarcastically.

As if sensing the tension, the baby started crying. His mother rocked him but he only seemed to cry harder.

Hawkeye turned from his patient and said, "It's okay, little fella, we'll have you somewhere safe soon. Listen to those lungs, Beej, he almost sounds like a squawking chicken, doesn't he."

The child was soon quieted by his mother as she nursed him. He fell asleep.

BJ thought that there was nothing as peaceful as the sight of a sleeping baby. His thoughts traveled to his beloved Erin. He missed her so much.

The bus stopped one more time. This time an MP stepped on and said, "I'm sorry to have to stop you but there are enemy patrols out there. We have to be very quiet or it could be bad news.

The tension mounted in the crowded bus and it seemed that everyone collectively held their breath.

Margaret glanced back at Hawkeye and he returned her gaze. He wanted to take her in his arms and help her feel safe. At least there wasn't any shelling right now. He knew how much she hated loud noises.

For Hawkeye, the silence became oppressive. The walls of the bus seemed to be closing in on him. He broke out in a cold sweat.

Margaret saw the look in Hawkeye's eyes and remembered that look from the time the 4077 took refuge in a nearby cave. His claustrophobia was taking over but this time he didn't have the option of sitting outside the door.

"Hawk? You okay?" BJ noticed that Hawkeye's breathing seemed rapid and shallow.

A whimper from the back of the bus became a cry. The baby had awakened from his short nap and began to cry. His mother tried to rock him but it only seemed to make the baby's crying worse. She looked around in fear.

The baby's crying echoed in Hawkeye's head. He was afraid that the baby's crying would get them all killed. Looks of terror were exchanged between others on the bus.

Hawkeye couldn't stand it any longer. He took a step toward the woman and child and snarled in a stage whisper, "Keep that damn kid quiet!"

The woman placed her hand over the baby's nose and mouth to quiet him. After a few tense moments the baby grew very still…unnaturally still. Hawkeye watched in horror as the baby's head fell back and revealed an expressionless face.

It seemed to Hawkeye that the world had just tilted on its axis. He stared in disbelief as the woman looked at him, the grief slowly taking over her features.

Shockwaves ran through everyone in the bus at what they had just witnessed.

Hawkeye staggered to the seat beside Margaret, his face ashen. The look on his face sent a wave of chills down her spine. His lips were white and he stared into space.

"She killed her baby, Margaret," he said in incredulously. "She killed her baby because of me.

The soldier who had stopped the bus now gave the all clear.

"Sorry to have interrupted your trip, folks. Have a nice evening." He was obviously unaware of the tragedy that had just played out in the back of the bus.

* * *

"She killed her own baby?" asked Colonel Potter.

"Yes," said Margaret. "I'm worried about Hawkeye. I don't think he's spoken a handful of words since it happened.

"Thanks for telling me, Margaret. I'll see what I can do. I'll give Sid Freedman a call. I'm sure this will be a tough one, especially since it's coming on the heels of the Owens' boy's death."

Chapter 15 – Into the Depths

"Mind if I join you for a little belt? I'm sure you could probably use it, boys and girl." Colonel Potter said as he entered the Swamp. "I heard what happened. It's all over camp.

Hawkeye sat on his cot slowly sipping the product of the still and staring into space. Margaret sat beside him, not knowing what to say. BJ was filling his glass for a second time.

Potter looked at the blank expressions on the three people, took a drink from the still and said, "That's okay, no need for you to get up. I'll just help myself."

"I'm sorry, Colonel, the ride back from the beach was kind of rough," BJ apologized.

"So I heard," said the CO, glancing over at Margaret.

Hawkeye put his glass down and covered his face with his hands. The colonel walked over and put his hand on Pierce's shoulder. "Is there anything I can do to help, son?"

Hawkeye looked up at Colonel Potter and said, "You could pour me another drink."

"Why don't we all go over to the officer's club and have something that won't eat a hole in the gut? I'll buy the first round. Whaddya say, Pierce?"

"I'd rather be alone…"

"Hawkeye I don't think that's a good idea…" Margaret began.

"Please, Margaret….just leave me alone! Get the hell out, all of you!" He was becoming increasingly agitated.

"Whoa there, son. We'll leave you be…but I really don't think it's a very good idea. If you need us, you know where to find us."

* * *

"Well, we've got a camp full of refugees now," said Colonel Potter. "In addition to the ones that came in on the bus we've got the poor people coming to us from Pusan , Uijongbu and all points in between. On top of that we've got Chinese POW's. The army didn't know what to do with them so they corralled them here. This is a MASH unit for crying out loud. And now this damnedbus incident."

Margaret, Potter, Charles, BJ and Father Mulcahy sat around the bar in the officer's club. There wasn't much of a crowd tonight. A lot of the MASH staff were tired from the day at the beach and subsequent ordeal on the trip home.

"How's the baby's mother doing, Colonel?" asked Margaret.

"I spent some time with her when we got back," answered Father Mulcahy. "She's devastated of course. She didn't mean to kill the child, she only wanted to keep him quiet. It's so sad, she's lost two children and a husband to this war. She's with another Korean family now. I do hope she'll be all right."

"You know, Padre, I've heard a lot of stories of mothers sacrificing their crying infants for the safety of others. I've heard more than one of those stories coming out of Nazi occupied countries from the last war. Jewish women in hiding would smother their children to keep them from crying out and alerting the Gestapo of their whereabouts."

"There's a lot of cruelty in the world," sighed Father Mulcahy.

BJ winced at the thought. His thoughts were with his baby daughter at home. He couldn't imagine Peg ever doing such a thing to her. But this was a different place and different circumstances.

He was also worried about his bunkmate. He really didn't think he should be left alone. He hadn't seen Hawkeye drink like this in weeks.

"Well folks, I think I'm going to go back to the swamp and check on Hawkeye."

"I'll come with you, BJ," said Margaret.

"Does anyone hear that…it sounds like a jeep?" asked Charles. "It sounds very close to…"

Before Charles could finish his sentence a jeep came crashing through the back wall of the officer's club. Everyone ran for cover.

"Anyone hurt?" Colonel Potter called when the dust cleared. Satisfied that all in the room had escaped injury he ran over to see who the idiot was driving the jeep. A very drunk Hawkeye Pierce climbed out of the jeep, walked up to the bar and asked for a scotch and soda.

"Great Aunt Martha's bloomers, Pierce! What the _hell _do you think you're doing?"

"I jus wanned a scosh and soda, kernel…Igor…fill er up…Oh Beej…I…could you…" before he could make a complete sentence Hawkeye passed out.

Colonel Potter looked at the wall of the officer's club, the jeep and at the man passed out on the floor in front of him.

"Why can't he take his anger out on something beside the officer's club," the colonel asked, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm getting too old for this. Hunnicut, Winchester, do you think you can get this drunken yahoo back to the swamp?"

* * *

"So, Pierce, have you recovered from your little, ha, Sunday drive," asked Charles the next morning in the mess tent. "You seem to enjoy redecorating the officer's club."

"Beej, what's he talking about?" Hawkeye asked.

"You're kidding? Right Hawk?" asked BJ

BJ looked at Hawkeye and realized that he really didn't remember driving the jeep through the officer's club. Margaret and BJ exchanged worried glances.

Margaret said, "You were very drunk, so that would explain why you don't remember."

"Attention! Captain Pierce, please report to Colonel Potter's office …on the double!"

"Ah, yes, Dad," said Hawkeye with a strange smirk. "I'm being called…well tah tah everyone. _When I'm calling yoooooouuuu, will your love be truuuuuuueee"_

They could hear Hawkeye singing as he walked to the colonel's office. Charles, BJ and Margaret looked at each other, not knowing what to think or say.

* * *

"Sit down, Pierce. I've put up with a lot from you lately. I know you've been navigating through some rough waters lately. I understand that, but if you launch one more assault on the officer's club I'm going to have your keester! You got that?"

Hawkeye was confused. He didn't know what Colonel Potter was talking about. He hadn't been to the officer's club last night. At least he didn't remember. "Yes sir, perfectly clear, colonel. If you could just explain what everyone is talking about. First Charles, now you…you say I did something to the officer's club?"

Colonel Potter sensed that Hawkeye was telling the truth. As drunk as he was that wasn't a surprise. But Sherman was afraid there might be more to this than a simple case of getting loaded.

"You're dismissed, Pierce. And Hawkeye, if you need to talk, my door is always open."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," Hawkeye said as he left.

"Klinger!" called Potter. "Go get Margaret and BJ…post haste!"

"Yessir, Oh great Leader."

"Can the bushwah, Klinger…just go!"

"Yessir, going sir!"

Five minutes later, Klinger returned with the head nurse and the surgeon.

"BJ, Margaret, I just had a talk with Pierce. I chewed him out about the officer's club and he says he doesn't remember. I believe he's telling me the truth. He seems a little disoriented. I'd appreciate it if the two of you would keep an eye on him."

"Of course, Colonel," said Margaret.

"Not a problem, sir," said BJ.

* * *

"Row row row your boat, gently down the stream," sang Hawkeye the shower sprayed his face.

"Merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream," chimed in BJ.

"So Hawkeye, you really don't remember last night…the officer's club, the wall, none of it?"

"What is with everyone and the officer's club. I wish someone would tell me what's going on. Is this somebody's idea of a joke? Okay, I give up…what's the punch line? Tag! You're it! Ollee Ollee Oxen Free!"

"Hawk, you're raving. So tell me, do you remember coming home on the bus from the picnic?"

"Sure I do. I was sitting by Margaret. We were singing songs. I must have been really tired. I think I fell asleep because I don't remember anything after that. Come to think of it I don't remember anything until this morning. I must have been exhausted," he laughed. "It must have been from being in the hot sun all day."

"Attention all personnel: _The peace talks are underway everyone! And to celebrate peace we have more war…incoming wounded!"_

"Hawkeye, do you feel fit to operate this morning?"

"Sure, Beej, why wouldn't I?"

Beej smiled and said, "Oh…no reason. Let's go. It sounds like this could be long one."

As they were running for triage, BJ caught up to Margaret and pulled her aside. She could tell that something was terribly wrong.

"Margaret, he doesn't remember anything…the bus…the baby…the officer's club. He thinks he went to sleep on the bus."

"Is he fit to operate?"

"I hope so…but we'd better keep a close watch on him."

* * *

"Chest wound…looks bad, let's get started," said Hawkeye. "Margaret, scalpel."

Margaret stared at Hawkeye. She was suddenly paralyzed with fear.

"Margaret, what are you waiting for? What's the matter with you? Give me the damned scalpel!"

"B'but , Doctor…."

Colonel Potter looked up from his patient, "What is it, Pierce?"

"I don't know, you'll have to ask your head nurse. She doesn't seem to be able to do her job."

Margaret finally was able to speak, "You can't operate on him like that! He hasn't been put under. Baker, get him under, stat!"

Nurse Baker put the mask over the soldier's face. Hawkeye yelled out "No! You're smothering him! You'll kill him! Stop! He can't breathe!"

Hawkeye knocked the mask out of her hands and put his arm around her neck and held her hands with his other hand. Baker screamed, surprised by the attack.

"I can't let you do this, Nurse Baker!" cried Hawkeye. "You'll hate yourself for the rest of you life."

"Pierce," yelled Potter. "What's this flub dubbery you're spouting?" Seeing that Hawkeye was truly terrified that Baker was smothering the patient he called out, "Klinger! Father Mulcahy! Corral that wild stallion _now! _Take him to Post Op. Margaret, you go with them and make sure he is _heavily_ sedated. Tie him down if you have to. Klinger when you're done there, get Sidney Freedman on the horn! Tell him we have an emergency!

"Sorry Pierce," said Potter, "I have to take you out of the game."

"Nooooo! You can't put that over him…he'll smother…" Hawkeye was hysterical by now. Klinger took one of the captain's arms and the priest took the other.

"Please, my son, it's okay…Nurse Baker knows what she's doing…she won't hurt the boy…I promise…" Father Mulcahy spoke as calmly as he could.

The priest and the company clerk wrestled the surgeon to the bed closest to the door. It was no easy task, Hawkeye wasn't a small man and in his present condition he fought against everything they were doing. As soon as he was lying down two nurses tied his hands to the bed while Father Mulcahy and Klinger held his arms.

Margaret gave him a shot and he soon fell asleep. Her heart was breaking. This time it seemed that he might have descended to the depths and she was afraid he might not return.

She thought of last night before they left the beach. She unconsciously touched her lips, remembering the kiss they shared. She looked at him sleeping on the bed in front of her, sighed and returned to the OR.

"Bigelow, be sure to keep an eye on him."

* * *

"Uh huh. Sure, Sidney I understand. We want to do what's best for Hawkeye. Right. We'll see you early in the morning. We'll keep him out until then. Thanks."

Colonel Potter sadly hung up the phone. Charles, BJ and Margaret stood around his desk waiting to see what the verdict from Sidney would be. "Well, we're going to be one surgeon short around here for a while. I know this is going to put an extra burden on you, Hunnicutt and Winchester. But it can't be helped. If it goes into extra innings I'll call I Corps and see if they can scrounge up a spare surgeon, but I wouldn't count on it.

Sidney says that he has a trauma induced amnesia which indicates how deeply this tragedy has affected him. The fact that he's becoming combative says that he needs a safe place to work things out. That's safe for him and safe for us."

BJ asked, "Does Sidney have any idea how long this might take?"

"There's no telling, BJ. It's really up to Hawkeye. Sidney will be here in the early A M with an ambulance. He wants to keep Pierce completely out cold until he gets him the hospital. Margaret, it might be a good idea to start an IV so the man doesn't dehydrate. If this is too hard for you, Major, it's okay to assign this duty to another nurse."

Margaret was softly sobbing while BJ held an arm around her shoulder. "No, that's okay, Sir, I'll do it. I'm tough…" she sniffed hard.

Colonel Potter handed her a clean handkerchief. "Here, Major, blow a little of that 'toughness' into one of these."

Chapter 16 – Dear Peg

"Dear Peg,

My Darling! I'm coming home! The words keep running through my head: I'm coming home! I'm coming home! It's possible that I will get there before this letter does. The plane I was on has been grounded here on Guam so I have some time. I figure that even if I get there before the letter does, I can read it to you. At least this gives me a chance to gather my thoughts. So much has happened in the past two weeks since I last wrote.

Hawkeye is still in the hospital. I think I told you that we had to keep him unconscious until the ambulance took him. He'd been combative and Sidney thought it would be easier for all of us if Hawkeye just woke up in the hospital, or the 'wackateria' as Hawk has referred to it. I visited him before I left and was going to try and tell him that I was going home. He was so angry and hateful. I've never seen him like that, Peg. I mean we've quarreled and had words but this was different. Sidney says that Hawk is using the anger to keep his memory at bay. He doesn't want to remember what happened on the bus.

I know that he's feeling responsible for the baby's death. It took him a while to accept the fact that he didn't kill Corporal Owens. This one is worse because he thinks that woman smothered the baby because he 'told her to.'

I don't know how Hawkeye's going to take it when he finds out that I've come home. I didn't really have time to say goodbye to anyone. A flight became available so fast that I had time to say goodbye to Colonel Potter and give Margaret a quick hug goodbye. Hawkeye's former bunkmate, Trapper John, was shipped home while Hawk was on R&R two years ago. He never left a note. I know that Hawkeye was very upset. In fact I don't know if he's ever really gotten over it. I didn't have time to leave a note either but I've promised myself that I will write to him as soon as I get home and keep writing. Please, Peg, I'm counting on you to help me keep my promise.

Have I said yet how much I love you? If not, I love you, Peg darling. I can't wait to see you and Erin. The way things look now I'll be home for her 2nd birthday.

The children here have so little, Darling…less than nothing, some of them. I hope our little girl never has to see that kind of poverty. Sometimes I feel like adopting all of them and bringing them home with me. How do you feel about big families? Just kidding.

Back to the events of the last two weeks:

Reports have been coming that the war will end very soon. Both sides seem to be upset by this…at least it seems that way to me because I don't remember in the past two years when I have seen so many casualties. I hate leaving now and leaving the 4077 short a surgeon…well two surgeons counting Hawkeye. (I don't hate it enough to turn down the chance to come home!)

Charles has become an unexpected hero. It was pretty funny. He's been battling dysentery which really isn't funny. Unfortunately it's a common complaint in Korea. Dysentery can be a huge problem right now because a renegade army tank has come to rest in our camp. Upon its arrival, the tank crushed the latrine.

On one of his many trips to the latrine one day a whole group of Chinese musicians surrendered to Charles. There he was in his bathrobe with a gang of Chinese soldiers following him back to camp. He's been spending time teaching them the finer points of Mozart.

I'm glad he's found something that can take his mind off of his trouble. He's been trying for an important position at Boston Mercy Hospital and it looks like he'll be turned down because he's not in a position to make the interview.

For all of his stuffiness which I think is what he uses to not let people too close, Charles is an excellent surgeon. On occasions he can be a lot of fun as well. He has a sharp sense of humor and, I think, cares a lot more than he lets on.

Margaret's dad "Howitzer Al" Houlihan has been trying to find her a glamorous army post. I think she's considering a post in Belgium. It's hard for me to believe that someone as 'tough' as our Major Houlihan would let her father run her life. She's so desperate for his approval. I hope that one day she'll change that…I think she will.

Actually, if the truth be told, I think she would resign her commission in a heartbeat if Hawkeye were to make a recovery and declare his feelings for her. I know she's in love with him. I really think he's in love with her. Two months ago he quit chasing nurses and threw away his nudist magazines. If you know our Hawkeye, you know that's pretty serious. They had started spending more time together and they kind of went public at the picnic, then this tragedy struck.

She's held up pretty well during this time that Hawkeye's been away. She's got that tough major exterior down to a science.

Thanks (or tanks…haha) to the tank in the camp, we've come under some heavy shelling. The other day Father Mulcahy went running out to let the Chinese prisoners out of their enclosure to rescue them. A shell exploded and knocked him for a loop. I checked him and found that he only had a mild concussion. What disturbs me is that he's also experienced hearing loss that seemed to be getting worse by the time I left. He swore me to secrecy because he doesn't want to be sent home. He's devoted to those orphans and doesn't want to leave them. I have to admire a man who loves children.

I love you, Peg. Did I mention that I'm coming home! I'm coming home!

Did I tell you that Klinger has found love in the form of Soon Lee Han, a lovely Korean lady? She's been with us for about a month. She's desperately trying to find her family. Max has been trying to help her. He spends more and more time with her. Potter joked one day how funny it would be if he ends up staying here with her after all of the shenanigans he pulled to get out of here. Actually, Peg, it wouldn't surprise me. The love of a good woman can change a man. I know this to be true.

I can't wait to see you and hold my two ladies in my arms. It won't be long until

I—"

"Excuse me, sir, but would you be Captain BJ Hunnicutt?" an MP was standing in front of his chair.

"Guilty as charged," quipped BJ. "Am I being arrested, Sergeant?"

"No nothing like that, Sir. I hate to inform you, but your orders to go stateside have been rescinded. A MASH unit in Uijongbu is in desperate need of a surgeon…"

BJ sighed, "Say no more, Sergeant."

"Sorry to interrupt what you were doing, sir. But you'll have time to finish your letter on the way to the 4077."

BJ smirked at the sergeant, picked up his duffle bag and crumpled the letter, throwing it in the nearest waste basket.

"Sorry, Peg," he whispered. "Sorry me."

Chapter 17 – Hawk's Return

"So you're on the bus…" said Sidney to an agitated Hawkeye.

"Yeah the bus…we're on the bus…."

Why did Sidney insist on talking about the damn bus? What was so special about it anyway? He told him he'd fallen asleep on the way home, why couldn't he leave it at that? Why couldn't he leave this place period? He was a brilliant surgeon. He was needed back at the 4077. He didn't need to be lounging around his pajamas, surrounded by truly crazy people.

Then BJ came for a visit today. All he could talk about was Erin and her birthday. Hawkeye really didn't want to hear about the baby. Baby, baby, _baby! _Cute little fingers and toes…Just get me the hell out of this place, he thought. Talk to me about taking me back to camp and back into the OR where I belong, not about your kid. Couldn't Beej think of anything else to talk about?

Hawkeye hit the wall with his fist several times. Now Sidney wants to talk about the bus.

It was when Sidney told him that he'd driven a jeep through the wall of the officer's club and tried to operate on a patient without anesthetic that he sat down and stopped raving. He didn't remember doing those things. How could he have been in the OR and not remember. He could believe that he might have been drunk enough to damage the officer's club and not remember. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been that intoxicated. But he couldn't imagine that he would blank out in the operating room. It was unthinkable. Yet everything was a blank until he woke up here at the 'giggle factory.'

As he talked to Sidney, little bits and pieces came back to him about the ride back on the bus. Apparently he hadn't been asleep as he'd thought, or rather wanted to believe. He remembered the refugees…the wounded…he felt the walls closing in on him as he remembered…"

"You say the woman had a chicken…on the bus?"

"Yes, Sidney, a _chicken! _It kept squawking. A Chinese patrol had been spotted so we were trying to keep everyone quiet…so they wouldn't hear us…the bus was stopped. But that damn chicken…I was feeling the walls close in…I have claustrophobia…"

"You do? I guess I didn't know that…you're just full of surprises, Hawkeye."

"Yeah…well, most of the time I'm not in closed in spaces for long periods of time so..." he tried to carry the conversation in another direction but from the look on Sidney's face he knew it his evasive tactic wasn't working. "The bus, right?"

Sidney nodded, "Tell me more about he chicken."

"Like I said, it kept squawking. She sat there rocking it like it was a…a…she just kept rocking it and it wouldn't stop squawking…it just got louder…I knew the Chinese were going to find us and we would all be killed."

"Then what happened?" Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist, wishing he'd stop asking questions.

"I got out of my seat and said, 'keep that damn chicken quiet!'" In his mind Hawkeye saw the chicken in the woman's lap…but wait…the image swirled in his head, he suddenly felt like he was going to vomit…he heard himself say, "Keep that damn kid quiet!" He saw a look of anguish on the woman's face…he looked down and where he'd seen the chicken before he saw a baby, slightly blue and expressionless…

"My God! My God!" Hawkeye cried out. "I-it was a baby! She smothered her own baby!" Hawkeye's tormented cry pierced the air. Then he stopped and glared at Sidney.

"You son of a bitch. Why did you make me remember that?"

"You had to remember…now we can get to work."

"How could she do that?" Hawkeye moaned and said, "Sidney, I killed that child. She smothered him when I told her to keep him quiet. How can I live with myself knowing that?"

"Hawk, that was a choice she made. Do you really think you have that kind of power? She was probably as frightened as you were of being caught by the enemy. It wouldn't be the first time that a mother has smothered a baby to keep it quiet in dangerous times. I had a cousin in Nazi Germany who was in hiding when she smothered her baby to protect the rest of the family from being discovered by the Gestapo. I could go on.

I have a hunch that woman would have made the same choice even if you hadn't told her to keep him quiet. Fear can make people do things they would never dream of doing under normal circumstances.

How did it make you feel when you saw that the baby was dead?"

"I was stunned…I couldn't believe what I saw…I felt responsible."

"Do you remember what you did right after that?"

"I'm not sure…I think I went and sat back down by Margaret. Yeah, I did…she held my hand…we didn't talk, though. Everyone on the bus was very quiet."

"Do you remember what happened when you got back to camp?"

"I imbibed as much alcohol as I could hold."

* * *

"That's good news Sidney! I'll be sure to tell Margaret. See you soon."

"Be sure to tell Margaret what?" Margaret had just entered Colonel Potter's office.

"Hawkeye finally remembered what happened on the bus. They've had some heavy duty sessions. Dr. Freedman says he thinks Pierce has worked through the worst of it and now he needs to get back in the game. He says Hawkeye's understandably nervous about coming back."

Margaret didn't answer. Her head felt a little light. It had been two weeks since she'd seen Hawkeye. She had missed him terribly. The one time she'd talked to him on the phone had been uncomfortable. He'd been so hostile she didn't know what to say to him. Would he still be hostile toward her?

"Major? Halllooooo?"

"Oh, sorry Colonel. I was just….just…"

"I understand, Margaret. He didn't leave here under the best of circumstances. Will he be angry for the way we hog-tied him and wrangled him out of here?"

Margaret smiled, "Why yes, that's exactly what I was thinking."

"I've had the same thoughts myself. I guess we'll find out. He'll be returning tomorrow."

"Sir? Does Hawkeye know that BJ's gone home?

"I don't think so. That's not going to sit well with him I'm sure."

* * *

"Attention all personnel: Good morning everyone! We've got wounded! All shifts report to triage! Welcome back, Captain Pierce."

Hawkeye watched from the jeep as the MASH staff ran toward the OR. He felt a lump in his throat and in the pit of his stomach. He had hoped for time to ease back into operating.

"Pierce! Get moving…we're short of help right now! Oh, and, son, welcome back." Colonel Potter said.

"Short of help? You've got Charles and Beej…"

"Um, I'd hoped to break it to you more gently, son. BJ went home a couple of days ago. I've got a request into I-Corps for a replacement but he hasn't gotten here yet."

Hawkeye felt as if he'd been hit in the stomach with a cannon ball. It was bad enough that he was being whisked into surgery so quickly but now he was going to be operating without the support of his best friend.

"Colonel, did he say anything? Did he leave a note?"

"Sorry Hawkeye, there wasn't time."

* * *

Hawkeye stood over his first patient, a chest wound. He could feel the sweat rolling down his back and breaking out on his forehead. Margaret asked, "Are you okay, Hawkeye?"

He said, _"Trapper left without saying goodbye. BJ left without saying goodbye. Is it the war or is it just me that stinks?"_ Turning to Nurse Baker he said with a sigh, "Put him under."

* * *

"You were wonderful in surgery today," said Margaret.

"I was scared to pieces," said Hawkeye.

The two of them had Post Op duty that evening.

"Margaret, what's with the sand bags around the building?"

"Someone left a tank on our doorstop and it's been drawing enemy fire."

Almost as if her comment had been an alert the shelling started. Everyone ran for cover. Hawkeye saw the tank and decided that there was only one thing to do. He ran out to the tank in spite of the artillery fire while the Colonel and Margaret yelled at him to come back.

"Pierce are you crazy?" yelled Margaret.

He climbed into the tank and drove it to the garbage dump while everyone watched with open mouths. The whole company applauded when he emerged from the tank. He said that it was time someone took out the garbage.

Chapter 18 – Putting out Fires

Hawkeye returned to the Swamp for the first time since he'd returned. Charles was in the compound directing his captive Chinese 'orchestra' so he had the tent to himself. There was still some gin left in the still. He'd have to get another batch going, he thought.

He looked around the swamp. He stared at BJ's empty bunk. Everything was gone, the pictures of Peg and Erin, the argyle socks that BJ used to wash periodically to remind him of better times, his extra large sneakers that he wore in protest…all of it was gone.

Hawkeye sat down on his bunk and put his head in his hands. He couldn't remember a time that he'd felt so alone. He felt like crying. It seemed to him that he'd cried an ocean of tears over the past two months. First there was Corporal Owens and then the baby on the bus. Life was just becoming one big 'adventure' after another, he mused.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he never heard her enter. Even with his eyes closed he knew it was Margaret. He could smell her perfume. She put her arm around his shoulder. He looked into her eyes and smiled, "Hi."

"Pretty tough, huh?" she said.

"Yeah. That was some welcome home bash. Most of the guests were pretty 'bashed.'"

She smiled at his humor. It was good to just bask in the sound of his voice. She'd missed him so much. "It's hard to believe that the war is almost over. It doesn't look like peace to me," she said. "Colonel Potter thinks you may still need help after the way you ran through artillery fire and moved the jeep."

"Like I said, someone needed to take out the garbage. Have you decided what you're going to do when this ends, Margaret?"

"Dad has been looking for positions for me. One in Belgium looks promising."

"Is that what _you _want?"

She sighed, "I don't know. It sounds exciting, but I don't know what I really want right now. It's all so confusing lately."

Hawkeye pulled her to him. "This has been a rough time for you, hasn't it? I'm sorry to have put you through this."

"It's not just that. There's just so much going on…the end of the war…leaving the people I've come to know as family…"

He held her close and after a few minutes he said, "He didn't say goodbye…he didn't leave a note. This…tent…it's so empty…I…"

Hawkeye was cut off by shouts all around the camp, "Fire! Fire!"

"Attention! This is your colonel speaking. There's a wild fire moving this way. It's time to pack up our old kit bags and get our keesters out of here!"

* * *

Dear Dad,

I'm writing to you from somewhere in Korea. We had a fire the other night and had to evacuate. We've set up a new camp site.

Shortly after we got here, our 'new' replacement surgeon arrived. It was Beej. I wasn't too friendly to him when he got here. I was pretty ticked that he left, like Trapper, without a note while I was gone. I guess it's pretty selfish of me to think that he should think of me first.

I know that Beej was really disappointed when they called him back here. He was a third of the way home and was on course to be home in time for Erin's 2nd birthday. I know that was very important to him. Frankly, the site of children makes me very uncomfortable.

I still see that baby in my dreams…my nightmares. I can't shake the feeling that if I'd kept my big mouth shut on the bus that he'd still be alive. Sidney says I need to let that go. I'm trying, Dad, I really am.

My first day back in surgery was a nightmare to end all nightmares. Dad, surgery used to be so easy. I never thought twice about it…but I gotta tell you that my confidence is severely shaken. I live in the constant dread that I'll blank out and do something that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

It was comforting to have Margaret there. She assists me often and I appreciate the way she anticipates what I need…both from a medical standpoint and a personal one. Leaving her is going to be tough…as tough as saying goodbye to Beej. Maybe harder. But I don't really think there's a future for us. She's married to the army, I don't think I can compete with it.

Today the nurses and Father Mulcahy organized a birthday party for a little Korean orphan. Her name was Kim. Margaret announced that she had the same birthday as Erin Hunnicutt. It was a very sweet thing to do and I know that Beej appreciated it. I really hoped it helped ease his pain even a little.

I had to walk away from it…as I said before I'm very uncomfortable around children. That's another reason I might not be good husband material for Margaret. Can you imagine a father who breaks out in cold sweats around his own kids.

I'd like to think that I could be the kind of father you've been, Dad. I just don't know if that's possible for me now.

Sidney came to the party. We talked about my anxiety in surgery and around children. He suggested that my anxiety might make me a better doctor. I think he's crazier than I am.

The casualties keep rolling in. It's hard to believe that we're close to the end.

For some reason Beej refuses to say goodbye. He insists we'll keep in touch. I really hope so, but we're getting ready to leave this place for good. Is it too much for him to just say, 'goodbye?'"

Sorry to start ranting, Dad."

I have to end this letter here. We have incoming wounded.

I guess if all goes according to plan, I should be seeing you very soon.

Love,  
Your, soon to be a civilian, son,  
Hawkeye

* * *

"Oh God!" exclaimed Hawkeye as he looked at the face of his next patient. It was a small Korean child. She couldn't have been more that eight or nine.

"You going to be able to make it, Hawk," asked BJ. "I can take her if you need me to."

"No, I'll be okay."

Margaret watched Hawkeye as he struggled with this one. In fact everyone in the OR had their eyes of him.

Sidney had come into the OR with him to see how he was doing. Re-entry was usually a time of great anxiety for those who had suffered a breakdown such as Hawkeye's.

Sidney had to admit to himself that Hawkeye's breakdown was a bit of a shock to him. He'd always considered the surgeon to be one of the sanest people he'd ever met. Even in the worst of it Hawkeye could find ways to blow off steam and thumb his nose at the war. But every man has his breaking point, he observed, even Hawkeye Pierce.

Hawkeye was a man of great compassion and caring. He was passionate about everything that meant anything to him. Losing Corporal Owens the way he had and seeing a mother kill her own child was more than his mind could bear. Sidney hoped that Hawkeye would be okay. The greatest tragedy would be for the surgeon to cave in and rob the world of one of the finest doctor's he'd ever known.

Sidney held his breath as he saw Hawkeye's hands tremble a bit as he prepared to operate on the little girl. "You going to be okay, Hawk?"

"Yeah, I got it under control. Kellye, put her under." Hawkeye breathed deeply as the mask went over the little girl's face. Sidney gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Scalpel, Margaret…"

Sidney smiled and said, " I can see that I'm not needed here. I'll say my goodbyes to all of you now and…I've said it before:

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice."

**Chapter 19 – The End of Things as We've Known Them**"Good job in surgery today, Hawk," said BJ, raising his glass of gin.

Hawkeye smiled, "I think I'm going to make it after all, Beej."

"I never doubted it for a moment," lied BJ.

Hawkeye's expression told him that he'd been caught in a lie. BJ shrugged his shoulders, "I'm glad you're back, Hawk."

"Yeah, we're both back in time to say, 'goodbye.'"

BJ said, "We'll see each other in the states."

"But not every day, Beej. We'll practically be a continent apart. Why can't you just say, 'goodbye?'"

"So have you talked to Margaret?" BJ changed the subject.

"About what?"

"You know what about. It's obvious, Hawk. You're in love with her and I'm betting she's in love with you."

"Beej, she's got her plans made. She's married to the army. I don't want to be involved in a triangle. Besides, I haven't proven to be too stable myself lately …"

"Hawkeye those were extraordinary conditions."

"I don't see a future for us…"

"Have you asked her how she feels?"

* * *

Dear Mildred,

I guess by now you've heard the good news! Peace has finally been officially declared. We were in the OR with the radio on when the cease fire happened. It kind of gave me chills down to my skivvies when the firing stopped and we heard the silence.

I can't say that I'm going to miss standing on my feet for hours on end operating on children…and these boys are looking younger and younger all the time. I guess it's a good thing that this old sawbones is hanging up his scalpel. I think after three wars I've had enough blood and guts.

I'm looking forward to sitting on the front porch, watching the sun go down, with my best gal sitting beside me.

I am going to miss these young folks that I've been associated with. They're the best damned people I've ever scrubbed with, and that's saying a lot coming from this old war horse.

You asked me about Hawkeye. He's doing a lot better. He's been back in surgery and has been doing his usual bang up job. Maybe 'bang up' is the wrong choice of words…but you know what I mean. But back to Hawkeye, he had me pretty worried there for a few weeks. I've been worried for some time that he'd one day implode. He's not a soldier, that's for darn tootin! He won't even touch a gun…says he'll bind their wounds but he won't inflict them. He's a pistol …ha ha. He's always taken it pretty hard when a patient dies on him. I hope he'll be okay once he gets back to the states. I don't know if he's prepared for the adjustment period. He's a good man and a better doctor

We'll be tearing down the camp tomorrow. The orphanage is going to take Sophie. I hate to see her end up as a plow horse. I hope the kids will ride her once in a while. I'm sorry you won't be able to meet her, Mother. She's one of the best horses I've ever known.

We had a party tonight…a last family gathering. We all shared what we're going to do now that this 'police action' is finally over.

Hawkeye says he's going to take time to get to know his patients better (which I never thought he had trouble doing) and 'make Crabapple Cove say 'aaah.'' Somehow I don't see him lasting long as a 'country doctor.' I may be wrong but I think he's too good a surgeon to waste his talents in general medicine.

Margaret Houlihan said she's decided to go to a big city hospital in the states. For a while she was trying to decide between a post in Belgium and one in Japan. Her father was trying to arrange things for her. It appears she told her daddy, Howitzer Al, thanks but no thanks and will plan her own future. You'd like her, dear. She's a high-spirited lady…kind of reminds me of the young lady I married.

Actually, on the subject of marriage, I think Margaret would exchange her title of "Major" for "Missus" in a heartbeat if a certain Captain Pierce would declare his feelings. But you know me, I don't like to interfere. I leave that to your sister, Porcia…haha.

Speaking of Porcia, how's her lumbago? I know she suffers so with it. Poor woman.

And still on the subject of "gittin' hitched," Klinger announced that he's going to tie the knot with Soon-Lee tomorrow before we strike the camp. She's the pretty little Korean girl I told you about that has taken up residence here at the old four oh double seven. It's been obvious for a while that she's really lassoed the heart of one Maxwell Q. Klinger.

Yours truly is giving away the bride! Sure wish you could be there, Mother. I know how you love to cry at weddings.

It's the darndest thing! Max told me later that Soon-Lee is going to wear the wedding dress that he wore to marry his first wife over the phone. Come to think of it, I think he loaned it to Margaret when she marred Donald Penobscott. I certainly hope that it brings better luck to the soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Klinger.

Stranger still, is the fact that Max is staying in Korea to help Soon-Lee find her family. I hope it's soon. There's been so much devastation in peoples' lives here…so many families separated. I'd like to see at least one happy ending.

Of course, BJ Hunnicutt will finally get to go home to Mill Valley, California. Poor boy didn't make it home for his little girl's 2nd birthday…at least he can be there for the rest of them. As far as that goes, I won't be a bit surprised if they're welcoming another little Hunnicutt by this time next year!

Lemme see…who haven't I mentioned? Oh yes, Charles Emerson Winchester the Third. The poor man has really gone through an ordeal over the past couple of weeks. He'd taken a group of Chinese prisoners under his wing. It turns out that they were musicians. Winchester was teaching them to play some of that high brow music he's so fond of. They weren't too bad. Well, they were relocated which broke Winchester's heart and then not too long after that we find out they'd all been killed. Damn war! Sorry Mother. I know how it upsets you when I swear but I get so mad sometimes.

Now Winchester says that music will be a reminder of a miserable experience. My heart goes out to him.

Also Winchester will be Chief of Thoracic Surgery at Boston Mercy. It's a position that he'd really wanted but when Major Houlihan pulled some strings with an influential friend of the family to get him the job, he nearly had her for lunch! Of course he's taking the job and he'll be darned good at it. He's one hell of surgeon and I think underneath all the pomposity, a good man.

Father Mulcahy said he's going to work with the deaf. I wonder what made him decide that? I would expect to find him working with orphans or teaching the boys in his parish to box. I don't know if I ever told you what a great left hook the man has. I'll miss that gentle man. He's one of the most decent human beings I've ever known.

Well, Mother, I guess it's time to bring this to a halt. I'll be busy packing tomorrow and I want to get this out on the last mail truck.

I've been thinking that maybe next year we can get the 4077 staff together for a big soirée at the Potter Homestead. By then everyone should be fairly settled into their civilian lives and would enjoy getting together for little barbecue. We'll have to give it some thought.

I did say I was bringing this to a halt didn't I? Well, Mother, you can tell everyone in Hannibal MO that Mrs. Potter's Mr. Potter will be home soon.

All my love,  
Sherman

* * *

"Why can't you just say it, Beej?" asked Hawkeye.

"Hawkeye, will you just stop it?" BJ said. He was avoiding goodbye as long as he could. As badly as he wanted to go home and be with Peg and Erin, he was dreading the moment he had say goodbye to Hawkeye, the best friend he'd ever had and partner for the past 2 years. But this time he wasn't going to leave without a note. He smiled inwardly. He had a plan.

Margaret, BJ and Hawkeye were leaving the mess tent after saying goodnight to everyone.

"What a nice party. I'm sure going to miss everyone," said Margaret.

"I think, when all is said and done, I will too," said Hawkeye.

"Oh yeah, Mr. 'I loved as many of you as I could'! I'll bet you'll miss the nurses. I'm not sure they're going to miss you!" exclaimed Margaret.

"Margaret, you cut me to the quick!" said Hawkeye.

BJ yawned loudly. "I think I'm going to turn in. Tomorrow's a big day. If you two will excuse me…"

"Good night, Beej. I'll see you in a minute," said Hawkeye.

"Would you care for a nightcap in my tent?" asked Margaret.

"Sure. Why not?"

* * *

"So Margaret," Hawkeye said, taking a chair in her tent. "You're off tomorrow to help get things in order at the 8063rd, then what?"

"I might spend a little time in Tokyo before going to the states. I have a lot of leave time coming. It might be fun to do some site seeing. I want to check my options as to what Army hospitals have openings and in what cities. What will you do when you get back to Crabapple Cove?"

"I don't know yet. I'll probably see if Dad needs help in his practice, but not right away. I'd like to possibly take some time and just enjoy being home. I miss walking along the beach every morning and watching the sunrise."

"I've never known you to be one to get up early in the morning," said Margaret, looking into his blue eyes intently.

"No, not here, but at home the early morning is the best time of day. It's quiet, except for the birds and waves lapping up onto the rocks. It's the best time of day to go fishing. And there's nothing like salt water fish. Yum!

Speaking of food, maybe I'll take a little trip to Chicago for a BBQ rib dinner at Adam's Rib. This time I won't forget the coleslaw," they both laughed remembering the time he'd gone through a lot of trouble to have ribs and sauce sent all the way from Chicago. He was just about to take a bite when they were interrupted by wounded. "But Margaret," wheezed Hawkeye as he tried to talk and laugh, "how would you remember the ribs, you weren't really around me much then."

"Small camp," she grinned.

Hawkeye sobered a bit and said, "I'm going to miss you, Margaret. You're like no one I've ever met. I would like to have spent more time with you…"

"We still could…you could come to Tokyo instead of going home right away and…"

"And then what? No, not like that, Margaret. I'm through with one night stands. But I can't compete with the army. "

"Compete with the army? What are you talking about, Hawkeye?"

"You've got your life mapped out and it doesn't sound like it could include a civilian doctor like me. I never was a soldier and I will never be a soldier. Your husband is the army. It's your life. Your career. I respect that and I can't ask you to give that up."

Ask me, dammit, thought Margaret. I don't want to live my life alone. She put her arms around Hawkeye's neck and pulled him down so that their lips met. She always felt safe there in his arms. She didn't want the evening to end.

She wanted to tell him that she'd leave it all behind. She could make a life without the army. She wanted a home with children. She didn't feel that she could tell him. She didn't want to push him too hard. She'd made that mistake before. She didn't want to let him go, either.

"Margaret," he whispered, "I-I don't know how stable I am. Who knows? I might turn out to be a wife beater. I don't really trust myself."

She kissed him again.

"Good night, Margaret."

"Good night, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye started to leave and then turned back, "Here's my Dad's address and phone number," he said, taking a slip of paper and a pen from his pocket. "Please keep in touch, I want to know what happens in your life."

I want to _be _your life, he thought inwardly but didn't feel that he had the right to say it.

* * *

BJ opened his eyes and watched Hawkeye come into the swamp. "Did you talk to her? Did you propose?"

"Good night, Beej."

* * *

"Do you Maxwell Q. Klinger, take Soon-Lee Han, as your lawful wedded wife, to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health, to have and to hold from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?" asked Father Mulcahy.

_"You bet I do!"_

It was a lovely ceremony. Afterward tearful goodbyes were said and all over the camp tents were collapsed.

Colonel Potter had a lump in his throat as he watched. People were leaving left and right to scattered destinations. Charles was gracious in giving Margaret his place on the jeep going to the 8063rd.

Hawkeye was watching as Charles gave Margaret the book that he'd loaned her and then took back because it was 'part of a set.' She thanked him and then looked up to see Hawkeye standing a few feet away. He looked like a little lost boy standing there. She wanted to hold him and never let go.

He looked at her, knowing that this goodbye was forever. He'd never see her again. She'd find a colonel or general and they'd live happily ever after, collecting their pensions in their old age. He told himself that she'd be happier without him.

The two of them ran into each other's arms and kissed….and kissed. BJ thought it could possibly be the longest kiss on record. He thought he might try to break the record when he got home to Peg, though.

The two finished kissing and moved back to the places they'd been standing before.

"See ya," said Hawkeye.

"Yeah, see ya," said Margaret, got into the jeep and she was gone. Charles left on a garbage truck which he said was fitting for this place.

Colonel Potter prepared to mount Sophie for one last ride. BJ and Hawkeye stood in front of him. They said a tearful goodbye and then Hawkeye said, _"Colonel we have a present for you. It's not much, but it's from the heart."_

The two captains stood at attention and saluted the Colonel. Trying not to cry, he saluted back, mounted his horse and rode off.

BJ offered Hawkeye a ride to the Helicopter pad on his motorcycle. As they rode along BJ yelled over the motor, "You should go after her, Hawk. You'll regret it for the rest of your life!"

"Butt out, Beej!" Hawkeye yelled back.

They came to a stop at the top of the hill. The chopper was waiting to take him to Kimpo.

"Look Beej," said Hawkeye. "I gave her my dad's address and phone number. If she wants to keep in touch she will. I can't ask her to give up her army career. Remember how upset she was when that senator's aid was going to try and label her as a commie? She thought she was going to have to resign her commission. She was devastated. I can't do that to her."

"It's a different time, Hawk. Things have changed. She's changed. You've changed…"

"I've gone nuts a couple of times. The timing is all wrong." Hawkeye sighed.

Hawkeye paused, sighed again and began, "_Look I know how hard it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right and we will see each other again, but in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy moustache, I'll think of you. _

"Whenever I smell month old socks, I'll think of you."

"Or the next time someone nails my feet to the floor," said Hawkeye, between laughter and tears.

_"Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid."_

_"I'll miss you."_

_BJ said, "I'll miss you. I can't imagine what this place would have been like if I hadn't found you here."_ With that the two embraced. Hawkeye got into the chopper. BJ yelled_, "I left you a note."_ Hawkeye could hardly hear him over the chopper blades. He gave the pilot the thumbs up to leave. As the helicopter made its way over the deserted camp he saw the word _"Goodbye"_ spelled out in rocks across the ground in huge letters.

"Goodbye Beej," he whispered softly. "Goodbye…Margaret."

* * *

Dr. Daniel Pierce had just gotten home from the clinic where he had his private practice. He was tired from the long day. He'd made a few house calls that day.

The Wilder twins had the measles and were giving their mother a run for her money. Those boys were a handful when they were well. Today they were just sick enough to be ornery. They didn't like the idea of being in a dark room without television. He'd tried to explain to them that you have to stay out of the light when you had the measles. It was hard enough to make one five year old understand…but multiply that by two identical twins and it became twice as hard. He chuckled to himself.

He remembered when Ben had come down with the measles. He couldn't have been more than seven. He'd had to know everything there was to know about the disease. He should have known then that the boy was destined to be a doctor like his old man.

The whole town was abuzz with the news of the end of the Korean Conflict. Everyone knew that Hawkeye Pierce would soon be coming home. Daniel hadn't told anyone about the problems that his son had had over there. He kept his letters about Corporal Owens and the baby on the bus incidents to himself. If Ben wanted to tell anyone about them it would be in his own time. Daniel knew that his son trusted him implicitly with his most intimate thoughts and he wasn't about to betray that trust.

Dr. Pierce heard a car drive up. The door opened and closed. It had to be! His son was finally home! He opened the door just in time to greet the younger man standing there.

Hawkeye dropped his bags and threw his arms around the older man. Both father and son cried, soaking each other's shoulders with their tears.

"Dad! I thought this day would never come!"

Chapter 20 – Homecoming

_He was finally home! He walked around_ _the town, enjoying the sites. He felt the gentle ocean breeze blowing across the town and through his hair. He was free! The cross town bus stopped and he got on to enjoy some site seeing. The bus was full of school children who were playing and laughing. He leaned his head out the window. Maine in the summer was the most beautiful place in the world. He looked around. One by one the trees exploded. The ground caught fire and the bus stopped moving. He pulled his head back into the bus. The school children had disappeared. The bus seats were now filled with wounded soldiers. They cried out to him to heal them. A voice cried out from the back of the bus, "Captain Pierce…I-I c-can't b-breathe!" He looked directly into the eyes of a young red headed man. In his arms he held a lifeless Korean baby.Hawkeye fought to wake up. "It's only dream," he whispered into his pillow. He felt cold sweat from every pore._

"Ben?"

He turned over and looked into the worried eyes of his father. Relief flooded Hawkeye. He was home. There would be no call for incoming wounded.

He sat up and embraced his dad. "Boy am I glad to see you, Dad! What a dream! Oy! What time is it? Did I wake you?" He looked at the clock by the bed in his room. It was four o'clock in the morning.

"It's okay, son. I have to get up to go to work. Are you going to be okay here today. I can stay home with you. I would have planned a few days off but I didn't know exactly when to expect you."

Hawkeye was still breathing hard from his nightmare. "I thought the nightmares would stop once I got home." Of course this was only his first day home. Sidney had urged him to give himself time to re-adjust to civilian life.

"I'll be fine here. I'm a big boy. You don't need to worry about me."

Daniel patted his son, "I'll go start some coffee."

Hawkeye got up and took a shower. He wanted to go down to the beach to see the sunrise. He'd been dreaming about the sunrise for so long he didn't want to miss it his first day back.

He opened his closet. Aah, civilian clothes, he thought, nothing green. He put on a blue shirt and slacks. They were a little bit loose. Army food, he thought, the ultimate starvation diet.Hawkeye grabbed a cup of coffee and made his way to the beach. It was a fairly long walk from the house and he relished the morning air. Finally he was standing on a large flat rock on the beach in Crabapple Cove! He laughed out loud. He'd longed for this day for three years.

The sun rose over the water. He thought, this is the most magnificent sight on earth.

* * *

"So Hawkeye, how does it feel to be home?" Asked Dickie Barber, slapping him on the back.

"It feels good. Of course I haven't really settled in. It still feels kind of strange."

Daniel had invited a few of Hawkeye's old friends, thinking a welcome home picnic might help him feel more at ease. He'd seemed pretty melancholy since he'd been home. Daniel tried to be as supportive as he could but he was never sure what to say to his son. Hawkeye had shared things in great detail in his letters but now that he was home he didn't seem to want to talk at all. He spent a lot of time watching television, sleeping and taking long walks on the beach.

"You look like you've lost some weight," observed Toby Wilder as he picked up one of his identical twin sons who had been running through the living room. "Hey slow down, Donny. Why don't you go outside and play with Danny."

"How do you know which one is which?" asked Hawkeye. "I can't tell them apart. They're like a couple of little red headed rockets."

"Yeah, they keep us pretty busy. It's never dull around the Wilder house and that's a fact, said Toby."

Hawkeye, Toby and Dickie spent the afternoon reminiscing about some of the crazy things they used to do when they were kids.

"Remember the time we spread glue on Mr. Vanderhaven's chair?" laughed Dickie. "Boy was he ever hot under the collar."

"Yeah and we were all pretty hot under the britches when our dads found out," said Hawkeye laughing until tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Hey Hawk," said Toby thoughtfully. "What was that all about a couple of years ago when you called us to see if we were doing okay? You said something about dreaming that we were getting zapped. That was really strange."

"I'd started walking in my sleep and having nightmares during that time. Sidney Freedman, the army psychiatrist said that I was dreaming myself back home to a happier time and the war kept entering my dreams. Those kids we operated on over there…they were so young."

"You saw a shrink?" asked Dickie.

"Yeah, I did…is there something wrong with that?" asked Hawkeye, growing defensive.

"Well…no…it's just that…usually when someone has to see a shrink…"

_"Go ahead say it!" Hawkeye took a step toward Dickie with both fists clenched._

Hawkeye felt the anger rise up inside like water coming to a boil. He wanted to hit someone. They were so unaware. While he'd been in Korea, patching up the bodies of mutilated children, his old school chums had been home in their cozy homes watching Burns and Allen and working at their safe jobs.

Suddenly the Wilder twins ran screaming across the yard. Hawkeye hissed at Toby, "Can't you keep those damn kids quiet?" He stormed out of the living room.

"What was that all about?" asked Dickie as he looked at Toby in shock. Toby answered by shaking his head in disbelief.

* * *

Daniel pounded on Hawkeye's door. "Ben, what's the matter? Talk to me, dammit!"

He heard slamming and banging in the room. When he heard a resounding crash he let himself in to find Hawkeye had torn his bed apart and had broken the mirror above his dresser. Broken glass was everywhere.

When Hawkeye saw his father he dropped to his knees, sobbing. "Dad…help me! I'm sorry."

"Ben, it's going to be okay." He cradled his son in his arms as he had when he was a small child. He held him that way until he was able to stop crying.

He noticed that Hawkeye's hands were bleeding from breaking the mirror. "Let me get rid of our company and then I'll take you to the clinic and take care of these," he said and grabbed a couple of hand towels and wrapped Hawkeye's hands.

"I'm not sure but I think you may need a stitch or two in some of these cuts. We'll take care of that and then you and I are going to have a long talk, understand?"

"Yes, Dad…thanks," smiled Hawkeye through his tears.

* * *

"Pass me another hamburger, Mother," said Sherman. "And could I have another glass of that lemonade, too?" He was the man of the hour and enjoying every minute of it.

"It sure is good to be home!"

"Grampa! Pick me up," said little Cory. He was a cute little guy…all of five years old. He'd certainly grown since Sherman had last seen him.

It was good to be back in Hannibal with all of the relatives and friends. Sherman was ready for retirement. He thought it was time to slow his pace to a slow trot. He wasn't ready to be put out to pasture, but he was ready to be a simple country doctor.

"Sherman, there's a phone call for you," called Mildred from the front door. "Somebody named Pierce from Maine."

Sherman picked up the phone excitedly, "Hawkeye?"

"No, sorry, colonel, this is Hawkeye's father, Dr. Daniel Pierce."

"Well how is my former chief surgeon?"

"I'm afraid not too well. We had a picnic today with some of Ben's old school chums and for some reason he got very upset and demolished his bedroom. He cut his hands to pieces. I don't know what's come over him, but frankly Colonel, I'm worried. In his letters Ben talked about a psychiatrist, name of Sidney something…do you know how to get a hold of the man?"

"Gee Dr. Pierce, I'm really sorry to hear that. I thought Hawkeye was doing so well. I know that re-entry into civilian life is harder for some than for others. I thought it might be easier for him since he was never a soldier in the first place. Sorry, I don't mean to make jokes at a time like this.

The name is Dr. Sidney Freedman. I think his destination was New York City, I believe. I don't know if he was going right home or not."

"Thank you, Colonel, you've been a big help."

"No problemo, tell that boy of yours we're thinking of him and, oh, that's Sherman to you. I'm a civilian now."

* * *

"Charles, dear, you've hardly touched your food. I had Cook make all of your favorites for your homecoming dinner. Are you ill?"

"No, Mother, I couldn't be better," said Charles, taking a sip of wine from the expensive crystal glass. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

He looked around the table. Everything was perfect, exactly the way he remembered things. The lace tablecloth was immaculate. Succulent prime rib and roasted potatoes were beautifully displayed on imported china. His mother, father and sister, Honoria were elegantly dressed for dinner. The servants in their starched uniforms stood nearby to attend to the family's every need or desire.

"So Charles," said his father, Charles Emerson Winchester the Second, "your mother and I are planning to have a ball in your honor, a little welcome home and congratulations on your new position."

"Oh yes!" exclaimed Mrs. Winchester. "It will be so lovely. I have already planned the menu and hired the florist. We are inviting the cream of Boston society. Nothing is too good for the Head of Thoracic Surgery of Boston Mercy! My dear boy, we are so proud of you!"

Charles flinched at the comments and thought, what's to be proud of? Margaret had an influential friend who pulled some strings. There was no merit in that. It had nothing to do with his talent and skill as a surgeon. It was no different from the way his father had been pulling strings for years.

Charles downed a glass of wine, poured himself another, and said nothing.

"Charles," his mother continued. "We've already invited the Hollingsworths, the Chronisters and Johnsons, can you think of anyone you'd like to invite? Charles? Are you listening to me? That's your fifth glass of wine…"

"Yes, mummy, 'tis and I plan to have a sixth."

The senior Winchester stood and thundered, "Charles, I'll not tolerate such rudeness in my house!"

Charles rose from his chair and prepared to leave, "If you'll excuse me,…Mother…Honoria. He gulped the last of the wine in the glass, then threw it against the wall. Shards of crystal scattered on the highly polished, hardwood floor. He stormed out of the room, slamming the large oak door behind him.

Charles never imagined that coming home would be so difficult. He closed his ey_es_ and thought about the last party in the mess tent in Uijongbu. He had said that he 'expected that his life would pick up pretty much where he'd left off…" he was already finding out that that was far from the truth. A steady diet of carnage had changed him forever. The shallow society of Boston had lost its appeal for him.

On his first night home his parents had planned to take him to the symphony. He had begged off much to their surprise. He had always been an aficionado of classical music, Mozart in particular. They puzzled over what might prompt him to turn down the symphony to stay home and watch Arthur Godfrey.

Charles had not told his parents about the Chinese musicians. He didn't think he'd ever be able to listen to Mozart without seeing their faces.

Tonight's dinner had been too much for him. He was tired of his father ruling his life and the last thing he wanted was to be the 'puppet' of honor at a high society ball. Ha! Wouldn't Pierce and Hunnicutt laugh if they learned that Charles Emerson Winchester the Third had turned down a chance to be the center of attention in the midst of the cream of Boston society.

* * *

"It's a good thing my dad's a doctor who makes house calls," said Hawkeye. Daniel had given him something to calm him and stitched the cuts in his hands. He'd prescribed bed rest for his son for a couple of days. He'd called in an associate to take over in the clinic so he could stay by Hawkeye.

Daniel smiled and said, "Yes, and the house that I'm calling on is my own, so I don't have to go very far." He sat on the side of Hawkeye's bed. "What happened the other day, Ben? What caused you to become so violent?"

"I don't really know exactly what happened. It's like my body is here in Crabapple Cove but my mind is still in Korea. I keep seeing those kids…the blood…the worst part was seeing those young faces…."

"I know you've been having nightmares," Daniel said, "can you tell me about those?"

"The last one…I was on a bus with a bunch of grade school kids. We were on a site seeing excursion bus….then the kids disappeared and there were bleeding soldiers…Howard Owens and the dead Korean baby… I've had that same dream twice since I've been home….Korea won't leave…it came back to Maine with me…."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Helpless and angry."

"So what happened at the picnic that set you off, son?"

"It was the way Dickie and Toby asked questions and acted like there was something wrong with me because I'd seen a psychiatrist. It was like suddenly I had leprosy or something. It made me so angry that they hadn't seen the horror that I have and then had the audacity to judge me for seeing a shrink," Hawkeye was becoming angrier with every word.

"While I was over there in that meat market trying to put broken bodies back together they were home watching Milton Berle! How dare they judge me! Then those two little fireballs of Toby's came darting across the yard yelling at the top of their lungs and I-I told him to 'keep those damn kids quiet!' That's when I flashed back to the bus in Korea…Dad it's what I said to that woman right before she smothered her baby…." Hawkeye couldn't go on any more. The tears rolled down his face.

When he could finally speak he said suspiciously, "Dad? Who have you been talking to?"

"No one in particular…but Sherman Potter and Sidney Freedman both said to tell you hello and they're pulling for you."

* * *

Margaret walked arm in arm with Lorraine Anderson, an old friend who was also an army nurse. Lorraine had been at the 8063rd when Margaret went to help close the camp. The two of them decided to take some time to see the sites in Japan before returning to the states.

"You're kidding Margaret. You were only married three months!"

"Yes, the engagement lasted longer than the marriage. He was such a jerk. I don't miss him at all. In fact I barely remember what he looks like."

"There's the cutest little restaurant on the next corner," said Lorraine. "Let's stop and have lunch and drink a toast to peace."

An hour later they were still sitting, talking and drinking.

"Wasn't that sushi delicious, Margaret?"

"I don't know, it tasted like raw fish to me," giggled Margaret.

"So, Major H-houlihan…han, tell me, is there someone waiting for you in the states?"

Margaret sobered a little. She fingered the slip of paper in her pocket that had the Pierce's address and phone number. "I don't really know. I mean there might be."

"That sounds strange," said Lorraine. "Do you or don't you have someone?"

"He was our chief surgeon at the 4077th, remember him, Captain Pierce?"

"No, I can't say that I do."

"Oh that's right. Hawkeye went to the 8063rd the week that you and Roy Dupree came to the 4077th."

Margaret told her about the friendship that she and Hawkeye shared. She related a little about Hawkeye's breakdown and how hard he'd worked to overcome it.

"We'd keep coming close to getting serious and something would always happen to spoil it," said Margaret with a sigh. "Then he decided that I'm married to the army and that there's no room for him in my life."

"And is there any truth to that, Margaret?" asked Lorraine.

"Oh I think there was a time that was true. I had my life all neatly planned, but somehow things aren't so clear. He gave me his phone number and address."

"Sounds like an open invitation to me," said Lorraine. "Do you love him?"

"Do I love him? Loving Hawkeye Pierce is a scary proposition. He's funny, handsome, caring, compassionate. He's an amazing surgeon.

"He sounds perfect, what's scary?"

"He can be volatile…"

"If memory serves me correctly, Miss Major Houlihan, you're no slouch in that department yourself." This threw them into fits of giggles.

"Seriously, Margaret," said Lorraine. "Are you afraid of his temper, his passion or the fact that he's had a serious breakdown?"

"All of the above," Margaret replied.

"Do you love him…could you leave the army for him?"

"Yes," she whispered.

* * *

"Hawkeye, telephone!"

"Hello, Ben, this is Mary Jo, Crabapple Cove's goddess of the switchboard. You have a call from a B-J Hunnicutt in…"

"Mill Valley, California!" He finished her sentence.

"I'll patch him right through."

"Thanks, Mary Jo."

"Hello, Hawk?"

"Beej! Is that really you? How are you? How's your homecoming been?"

"Great! How about yours?"

"No no no, I asked you first."

BJ sat in his living room with Erin on his lap. Peg was in the kitchen fixing supper. "It's great to be home," he said. "The first day I was home we didn't leave the house. We've been taking time to get to know each other.

"You'll appreciate this, Hawk. When I got off the plane, Erin came running up to me shouting, 'Daddy! Daddy!' I cried like a baby right there in front of God and everybody in the airport."

"Hey, Beej that's great! I know how much that meant to you."

"One of the hardest things about coming home is being with people who have no idea what it's like to practice medicine in a war zone. Sometimes I feel like I want to beat some sense into them, y'know what I mean?"

Hawkeye looked down at the bandages on his hands and grinned sheepishly, "Yeah, I think I know exactly what you mean."

"I've had a few nightmares and sometimes I wake up and think I'm back in the swamp. But then I realize that I'm home and Peg is there beside me. She's been a real comfort to me, Hawkeye. She does her best to understand and knows when I need to be alone."

"That's wonderful, Beej. Have you looked for a job yet?"

"I have an offer from a hospital in San Francisco. They're looking for a resident surgeon. I think eventually I'd like to open a private practice. But I want to get used to working in a nice clean, modern, sanitary hospital again first. The hospital is willing to keep the job open until October so I can acclimate to being home with my family."

Erin reached up and played with BJ's moustache. He kissed her little hand. She giggled.

"What's that I hear? It sounds like someone giggling," laughed Hawkeye.

"Erin's likes being tickled by Daddy's moustache."

Hawkeye smiled. He was happy that BJ was adjusting so well to being home. He was a good man and deserved to be happy.

"So, Hawk, how is your homecoming going?"

"I can't lie to you, Beej. It's been pretty rough. I think if I'd come home to anyone but my dad I'd be out on the street by now. I've been hard to get along with….lots of nightmares and some flashbacks. The worst was last Sunday when my dad invited some of my old school mates over for a picnic."

Hawkeye told BJ about tearing up the bedroom and his hands after he let the twins get to him.

"That's rough, Hawk. So your dad actually called Potter and then Sidney?"

"Yeah, Sidney gave him a lesson over the phone on how to do "meatball psychiatry," laughed Hawkeye. "I think my dad could have been a psychiatrist if he'd wanted. He's always been someone I could talk to."

"Are your hands going to be all right, Hawkeye? You didn't slice any nerves did you? You're too good of a surgeon to have that happen."

"I think they will make a full recovery. None of the cuts went that deep. I have that to be thankful for."

"So, have you heard from…"

"No.

"Have you tried to find her."

"It's been great talking to you, Beej. I'll call you next week."**Chapter 21 – The Beginning**

"Dad, did you hear a knock at the door?"

Hawkeye and his dad were reading in Daniel's study. It was the beginning of October and there was enough of a chill in the air to warrant lighting a fire.

"I think I did," said Daniel, looking up from his book. "Why don't you go see, Ben?"

Hawkeye sighed, "That requires moving." He was stretched out on the leather couch in front of the fireplace. He was about two nods away from a nap.

Hawkeye opened the door and smiled to see a large bald man wearing an obviously expensive coat.

"Why Charles! I never expected to see you on my doorstep. What brings the Head of Thoracic Surgery of Boston Mercy to our humble abode?"

"Pierce. May I come in?"

"Of course. I mean, please come in! Mi casa es su casa. Welcome! I'm speechless."

"Hardly."

"So would you like to come into the study? Dad and I have a fire going."

"Actually…Hawkeye…I'd like to talk to you alone."

Hawkeye's smile faded as he saw that something wasdeeply troublingthe other man.

"Sure, Charles. We can go for a walk, if you'd like. I'm partial to the beach."

Seeing that Hawkeye wasn't coming back to the study, Daniel decided to go into the front room to see who had been knocking at the door.

"Dad, may I introduce to you, Charles Emerson Winchester the Third, formerly Major Winchester of the 4077 MASH. He is currently the Head of Thoracic Surgery at Boston Mercy in Boston, Mass."

"Pleased to meet you," said Daniel extending his hand. "Ben's told me a lot about you."

"Yes, no doubt he has," said Charles taking the other man's hand. "I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, Dr. Pierce. Hawkeye has told me a lot about you as well."

Hawkeye took his coat out of the closet and said, "Dad, Charles and I are going for a walk. We'll be back in a little while."

They walked in silence for a while.

Charles broke the silence, "Pierce, this is really a lovely place. I had no idea."

Hawkeye grinned, "Why Charles that sounded dangerously like a compliment."

"Of course. That's how I meant it," he paused for a moment and then said. "I really need someone to talk to."

"Sure Charles, what's the matter."

"I've had a difficult time making the transition from Korea. I've moved out of my parent's home."

"Charles! You've left mummy and daddy? You've run away from home?"

"Pierce, please! This is hard enough."

Seeing that he'd gone too far, Hawkeye said, "I'm sorry, Charles. That was out of line. Old habits die hard. I'm ready to listen."

"I can't seem to get those Chinese soldiers, they weren't even soldiers, out of my mind. We saw so much horror. And you were there longer than I….I think I will forever see those faces." There were tears in his eyes as he remembered.

"I left my parent's home because I couldn't stand my father's controlling. I wasn't back home an hour when my parents had scheduled social activities for a month…the symphony...dinners. They were even in the process of planning a ball with the cream of Boston society."

"Why Charles, I would think…" he saw the pain in the other man's face and stopped himself from making a wise crack. "For me it was a welcome home picnic. It seemed like a good idea at the time I guess."

"Yes. I know what you mean. It's…what I mean is…after what I've seen and where I've been…I never thought I'd hear myself say this…I can't stand the shallow attitudes of Boston society. But at the same time it's all I've ever known until being sent to that upholstered cesspool. Now I'm not really sure where I fit.

The second night I was home I got drunk at dinner and told my father off. I've since found an apartment. I think it's time I start supporting myself without Mother and Father's help."

"Charles, why are you telling me this?" asked Hawkeye

"You're the closest thing I've ever had to a friend….Hawkeye."

"Boston isn't far from here, Charles. Let's keep in touch."

"Thank you, I'd like that," smiled Charles.

"Come on up to the house. We're just having sandwiches for supper, but you're welcome to join us."

The two men embraced. Charles pulled a bottle out of his coat pocket. "How about some Cognac for dessert?"

* * *

Hawkeye picked up the ringing phone. "Hi Ben, this Mary Jo, your friendly neighborhood switchboard operator. You have a long distance phone call from Boston, you want me to patch it through?"

"Sure, Mary Jo, thanks. Did he say who's calling?"

"Somebody named Dr. Freed…something…I couldn't hear him very well. I'll patch him through."

"Hello, is this the home of Hawkeye Pierce, formerly of Korea?" asked the voice on the phone.

At once Hawkeye recognized the voice on the other end of the line immediately. "Hey! Sidney! To what do I owe the honor of this call?"

"Actually Hawkeye, I've been in Boston this week for a psychiatric convention. Since Crabapple Cove is close I thought you might like some company for the weekend, that is if you don't mind my inviting myself."

Hawkeye smiled, "That would be great…sure…come on up. We'll make you feel right at home. You'll love it up here…Autumn in Maine is incredible. We could even get a poker game going with some of the guys around here. It's a little calmer here than the 4077 was."

"I'm looking forward to finally seeing the famous Crabapple Cove. I'm really looking forward to not staying in a hotel. Okay, Hawk, I'd better get off the phone here before I have to deposit more money in this phone, besides there are a few more boring lectures to sit through. See you Friday night, if that's okay."

Hawkeye smiled wide and said, "It will be great to see you again, Sidney."

* * *

Sidney got out of the cab, took his suitcase, tipped the driver and looked around. The cab driver smiled and drove off. No wonder Pierce had been so homesick. This place really does look like it came out of a Norman Rockwell painting. He marveled at the expanse of blue sky.

He looked at the large house in front of him. It was impressive. It was a two story, frame house, complete with bay windows and turrets. There was a huge yard around the house and all around the trees were ablaze with red and gold. It looked like an idyllic place to grow up in. Sidney could see that Hawkeye's descriptions had been accurate.

The front door flew open and a familiar figure ran up the sidewalk. There was Hawkeye in his ubiquitous Hawaiian shirt. The two men embraced in a big bear hug.

"Sidney, it's great to see you!"

"You're looking pretty good yourself."

"Come in and meet my dad. He just got home from work and he's looking forward to meeting you. Oh and Sidney, he knows all about Owens and the baby on the bus. No one else around here does. So when we play poker tomorrow night with some of the guys from around here…"

"I understand completely. My lips are sealed."

"That will make for some interesting conversation," said Hawkeye and Sidney laughed out loud.

" I see you haven't changed, Pierce."

"Yes, I have. I've become a stanch civilian, dedicated to life, liberty and the pursuit of beer and a lawn chair."

"That's quite a breeze you've got going on here, Hawkeye."

"Yes it comes off the ocean."

"Ben," said Daniel from the doorway. "Let Dr. Freedman come in before he freezes his tukhus off!"

* * *

"It's been a great weekend, Hawkeye. I'm going to hate to leave here tomorrow. It was interesting meeting Toby Wilder and Dick Barber. I only knew them from those nightmares you had, remember?"

"How could I forget? But I'm happy to say that neither Dick nor Toby have been bombed here in Maine. Hmm…let me rephrase that…they haven't been bombed by artillery. I've seen both of them pretty bombed." Hawkeye and Sidney laughed.

The two men sat in Daniel's study in front of the fireplace. The crackling fire was soothing. There was a bite in the air. Hawkeye thought it might snow soon.

"Have you heard from BJ?" asked Sidney.

"Yes, actually, he's been pretty true to his word about keeping in touch. We take turns calling each other. Peg just found out she's pregnant again. They're expecting the next little Hunnicutt in May. BJ is beside himself. I'm really happy for him."

"Has he gone back to work, yet?"

"Yes, he's started working as a surgeon in a nice big San Francisco hospital. He said it's nice to have an operating room that's clean, bright and only has one table."

"What about you? Have you gone back to work yet?"

"I've been helping my dad a few days a week. But to be honest, Sidney, it's nearly as boring as Korea when there were no wounded."

"It's boring? Isn't that what you wanted? I thought you wanted to make Crabapple Cove say 'aaah.'"

"I'm finding that 'aaah' makes for some dull conversation. Actually, I have put in a couple of applications. There's a hospital with a new trauma center in Portland where I think I stand a good chance of getting a job. I think it's right up my alley after my experiences in Korea

Three months ago I didn't think I'd ever want to work with trauma of any kind. I'm finding that I'm not my dad's kind of doctor. Listening to old ladies' complaints about their aches and pains and treating poison ivy seems so…"

"Inconsequential?"

"Yes, that's a good word, Sidney. I just feel like I can do more good by doing what I was trained for."

"You mean meatball surgery?"

Hawkeye laughed out loud, "Good one Sidney. You got me with that one. But I think you know what I mean."

"Yes, I do. Let me know if you need a reference.

"Thanks, Sidney."

"So tell me, Hawkeye, what else is going on?"

"Aha! I knew this wasn't just a social call. Sidney I'm in fine fettle! You can put your couch side manner away!"

"Humor me, Hawk. I can't seem to help myself. I just have the feeling that there's something you're not telling me."

Hawkeye sighed. Sidney would keep digging and he really did want to confide in someone. "I miss her."

"You miss who, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist. "Who do you think?"

"Oh…Major Houlihan?"

"Bingo. We talked that last night after the going away party in the mess tent. She seemed to have her whole future mapped out. It didn't sound like there was room for me. She's married to the army…what an interesting 'love' triangle that would make, wouldn't it? I wanted to tell her that I love her and wanted to hold onto her forever. I never thought I'd want to marry someone and settle down…least of all Hot Lips Houlihan!"

"So why didn't you tell her how you really felt?"

"I was terrified, Sidney. I didn't know if I was really stable…"

"And now?"

"I still have the nightmares and some anxiety, but it's not debilitating any more. Half of my dad's practice is made up of babies and small children. I think I've gotten past that hurdle."

"Hawkeye you sound like you have a severe case of sanity. As for Margaret, I don't know what to tell you. Do you have any idea where she might be?"

"No. I gave her my address and phone number but in three months I haven't heard a single word. I figure I was right, she's married to the army. She's probably already met some bird colonel that she's making beautiful cadence with…and Sidney…thanks for coming all this way to check up on me."

"My couch is your couch."

* * *

It was an early November morning in Crabapple Cove. It was now four months since he'd left Korea. Hawkeye stood on the rocky beach watching the sun come up over the ocean. No matter how down he was feeling, the site of the blazing colors on the water and the ocean breeze seemed to be just what he needed to lift his spirits.

It was a cold morning for a walk on the beach. It hadn't snowed yet but he could feel it in the air. He was certain there would be a heavy blanket of white on the little town by nightfall.

Tomorrow he would start his new job at the trauma center in Portland. He was apprehensive and excited at the same time. He knew that working in a trauma center had the potential to trigger old memories and nightmares. But that was a chance he'd have to take. It wasn't as if the nightmares had stopped, they were just more manageable.

He and Charles were becoming good friends, war had indeed made strange bedfellows, chuckled Hawkeye to himself. Charles had met a nurse at the hospital who seemed to understand his quirky personality and liked him in spite of it. She also loved classical music. She was helping Charles rediscover his joy in music. He was able to tell her about the incidents with the Chinese musicians. She really was a perfect match for the high brow Bostonian.

It turns out that Nurse Louise Anderson had served as an army nurse in Korea for a short time three years ago and at the 4077th no less. She said she remembered Hawkeye but he hadn't been able to place her. Wait! He did remember her now.

_"Aaah Bach!"_ he laughed out loud.

Occasionally he called and talked to Sidney when he needed reassurance. They planned to meet in New York in a couple of weeks to have lunch and talk.

Colonel Potter had called two nights ago. He was a stubborn old bird, thought Hawkeye. He's not going to lose track of anyone if he can help it. He probably knew where Margaret was. Hawkeye just couldn't bring himself to ask the question. He was afraid of what he might hear. He wasn't sure he could handle hearing that she had found some general to take care of her.

BJ had called last night. Peg was doing well. She'd finally stopped having morning sickness. Erin was growing and becoming more of a little girl than a toddler and was definitely a daddy's girl. Hawkeye smiled, knowing that BJ was wrapped around the child's tiny little finger.

A strong wind blew across the beach causing Hawkeye to shudder and pull his coat collar up around his ears. He looked out on the ocean; the sun was rising higher in the sky. He sniffed the sea air and thought he recognized a familiar scent that wasn't indigenous to Maine.

"Margaret?" he whispered. He turned his head to see a petite blonde with ice blue eyes. She had a pink coat wrapped around her. She shivered and smiled up at him. He stood still for a moment drinking in the sight of her. It felt as if BJ had been there and nailed his feet to the ground. He was afraid to move for fear that he might be having a hallucination.

"I served the army with divorce papers," she said.

"You…what? You mean…that you're not…"

"In the army? No. I resigned my commission. I think I've found something better."

Hawkeye held out his arms and Margaret ran to him…he held her close. He leaned over to kiss her and she met him halfway. It was a kiss that rivaled the kiss they'd shared before they left Korea. After a few moments Margaret pulled away and turned her head. She looked out at the ocean, still enveloped in Hawkeye's arms. "It is the most magnificent sight on this earth" she said.

_FIN_


End file.
